fuckit

I can’t open the Safari today. I cancelled my internet service, which was way overpriced, and it ended yesterday. I thought I could handle being disconnected at home for a bit. Boy, was I wrong. Take away the TV, but don’t take the internet. For instance, I need to know how long the fruit should be soaking in the sangria I’m making. I don’t have a book that tells me as much- but the internet will.  I need to know what my calendar is- and I can’t see it unless the internet shows me. Everything I do is online. I’m not sure I actually know anything anymore or that knowledge storage is even relevant to me. Because I can find out anything at a moment’s notice. Why bother remembering?

Worse, I can’t see my horoscope. And today’s a big little day for me. Big because an idea I threw out stuck and whabam came to fruition. I want it to go so well. But I still need ample prep time, and worse, I need to remember another monologue that is stored in google docs, not on my computer. Another reason I need the internet stat. Pleaseohpleaseohplease let it go well. I feared I’ve picked too serious a monologue for a venue like this. So serious, that I just leapt up from my computer to...I don’t know run off and find that magical new one! I really don’t know why I just leapt up. I’m just blistering with energy and anxiety, I guess!?  But I have what Cainer’s talked about all week- and that’s kindness and confidence. Manifesting kindness and confidence makes any situation better instantly. I hope I channeled it last night. 

We met up with Dan and Jason- Dan for the movie- the King’s Speech- which ironically was about the power of kindness and confidence! Geoffrey Rush plays Lionel Logue, an amateur actor turned speech therapist who helps King George VI, played exquisitely by Colin Firth, work toward overcoming his terrible fears that stifle his voice and thereby cause him to studder when he speaks. Lionel is terrifically confident in his abilities, and sweetly doesn’t stand for any of the King’s tactics to derail the therapy sessions. More importantly, he works to instill confidence in the King, who has long struggled with the overwhelming duty of being a member of the monarchy. Confidence wins- not flimsy confidence, the confidence hard won by experience and an overdeveloped humility. 

But I digress....

Anyway, we met up with Jason and Dan. Jason works as  a cook, or possibly a sous chef, at a local restaurant/ nightclub.  He lives in a boarding house situation, and seems to have a colorful set of roommates.  He told Emily that high school, and in particular the years of being her boyfriend, were actually the peak of his life. I disagree- unless he lets his fears get the better of him. He looks like a baby, still, and he has no problem taking over a situation to drive it forward. After all, he was sitting at a table with quiet me, quiet Dan, and drugged Emily, he had to get the party started or we would have all stared at one another.  But the kind part of Jason is that he didn’t ask for a resume from Dan and me. He knows Emily’s story, but he doesn’t know our’s. He didn’t inquire about Bruce or anything like that. Partly because he far more enjoys talking about partying and being a bachelor. Or well, it’s a good flag to wave right now.  Anyway, I didn’t ask for his resume either, in return- a default conversation starter that isn’t meant to pin someone, but inevitably does. And I tried to keep it light and sweet and lively. I can do better though. Without alcohol.  I wish I wasn’t so shy, and I wish beer wasn’t so delicious. 

So tonight I share this monologue and maybe another with good people, people who work in the industry here, who I want to impress, who I need to impress, and with whom I want to start a dialogue. Even though I’m leaving, I need to, because, who knows, maybe I could have dual citizenship between Virginia and California. That would be heavenly. I need to because I need to know that where I’m going is where I’m wanted. And I don’t mean state, as in a location, per se. Rather, a work, a group, a community.  What’s more, I need to know I can get through a monologue confidently and thoroughly. I used to be able to, but since the move back East, it’s been almost impossible to even get to the stage without shaking horridly. It’s like I forgot I can disappear. I forgot all that I learned. Fear is a strange beast- it sneaks up and takes over in shapes and forms that seem harmless enough- until we find our voice is not longer there, and stammering becomes just a part of our fabric, our dna. We forget what it was like to speak without the stammer, and can’t even remember that time. 

I need to be kind to myself and kind to them and just remember, we’re all in this together. There are no levels, no betters and bests. There is no greater competitor than my own ego, so deep breaths, self, and ....fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckkkkkkkkkkit. Fuck it. Fuckittty fuck fuck it. What am I so afraid of? FUCKIT. Here we go...

(ps- wish me luck?)

going confidently forth.

Aries, January 19, 2011: People think, when they try to be 'in the right place at the right time' that it means changing location. Rarely, though, is this required. It's much more likely that a simple change of attitude will do the trick. Simply by deciding that you are going to feel all right, you can chase away much of what's wrong. A confident person, deciding to play the hand they have been dealt as well as possible, can be far more successful than an insecure individual who happens to be holding an entire set of aces. Remember that today. 


____


Ok ok ok ok----- I GET IT! It's all in my head. I'm a worry wart, a nervous nelly, all by own making. Confidence is not my gift, so I have to cultivate it. And what better timing to bring up the subject of confidence then now- the day I've taken off work to prepare for a little somehting of my own making that I am sweating and losing sleep over. 


So, Eva is my friend who I met on set of Syria, VA. She's fabulous and wild and I adore her. Often, I just sort of sit back and watch her, because she's the kind of person who takes a stage. And that's fine by me. Anyway, around New Year's I threw out this idea for a sharing, a workout, and I thought it would end up being her, me, her boyfriend, maybe one other, and we'd all get together eat, and half of us would share. Not so. She's built quite a little community that is coming together this Saturday. I mean, she took the idea and ran with it. And I'm glad she did. Because I'm used to letting plans crumble. I back out of too much, so I'm glad she held me to it. 


Now, if I just knew what I was going to do, because of course, I feel the need to blow the windows the place. I suppose I'll do a monologue- it's expected, but it's also necessary. I need a few in my back pocket before the move, and I've aged out of previous ones.  I called her last night, half expecting to hear that her life is moving at a rapid pace, she has a million things happening, and could we just move the date one more time. At which point I would sigh with relief, attempt to make her feel good about that decision by divulging my own drama (even if there really hasn't been much), and hangup happy to put this off yet again.


Luckily, she didn't say that. So here we are. I have a stack of books here, and a few monologues that I truly treasure, but none I feel solid about so far. Today's goal: find one to feel solid about and work the hell out of it. There seem to be two groups of monologues to which I'm drawn- women who are strung out on some man or mothers of children with disabilities. Should really charm the crowd, right? 


But that's just it, I want to charm the crowd. I want to fill them with energy and life and hope and help them disappear for a second into another person. That's what I'll ask of casting agents, and I'm pretty sure this will be a harder crowd to woo than the agents. Thus, the amazing amount of pressure I've been putting on myself. But no more. Cainer says so. Confidence. It's all about confidence, and thus I will confidently choose and work and take time to channel that confidence when I stand up in Eva's living room on Saturday in front of this other stuck folks who long for a community to create- same as me. 

glass is hazy

Aries- January, 18, 2011: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the biggest fool of all?' 'I cannot say, my glass is hazy. But it certainly looks, like someone's crazy.' Do you want to know why your mirror will not give a clear answer? Because, in the very act of asking it, you are teetering close to the brink of foolishness. Of course a silly situation is not your fault. You know this really, so why wallow in a pool of introspection and recrimination. Don't blame anyone, least of all yourself, for anything. Just do what can't be anything but wise today. You haven't got a 'problem'. You have an incredible opportunity.


___


I'm not sure I spent the day thinking anything was my fault, per se, but I generally live my day in some sort of low expectation cloud. And of course, since I announced to myself and Nusu, Genevieve, Nance and roughly to my parents, I've had my doubts about actually getting my butt to LA. Lots of doubts have drifted through like: what if the car dies in the middle of nowhere? (solution: check with progressive about towing service and/or get AAA). How much are hotels going to run me with the dogs and cat? (solution: also check campgrounds on route and buy tent. and don't mention cat to hotels.) What if I can't find a job? (solution: you piece together 2 jobs. but first, get resume together, send it out and then reason out a solution.)  What if I get out there, and casting agents reject me and I float around for 3 years rusting more? (solution: classes and theatre. there are always classes and theatre.) What if one of the animals needs a vet while we are on the road? (Solution: call Pet insurance about moving/ temp insurance for animals/ finish getting vet check-ups before we move/ get android so you know where vets are in each town.) 


You get the idea. And the solutions don't come to me while I'm just spinning around in the panic, they float out as I type, not as I think. 


Yesterday, I accomplished almost nothing at work. And then I didn't tackle the monologue when I got home. Instead, I ran. And it felt great. And then I planned today and tomorrow: today, I tackle the heck out of work, get all my new items done and tidy up. Tomorrow: I call in sick and work my monologues all day, finding the right one.  


The other doubts I've had have been around actually affording the move- which is weird, because I have and am making more money than I ever have. I keep looking at my bank balance as if it's a lie. But I also keep spending. My idea of a spending diet has been to look at my bank balance and spend anyway- It's like looking at my bulbous belly and thighs and reckoning that one more slice of cake can't help or hurt. So, my doubts about my willpower are well-founded. But then, I no longer have the bulbous belly and thighs, so why the thin accounts. If I can keep my exercise and eating in check, I can do the bank account the same, right? 


Spending diet is on: if it doesn't contribute to the move, I don't need it. When I visit LA- I'll only spend $30 per day on food. I'll fly in and out of Reagan or Dulles or Newport News. And I'll research the public transportation system before renting a car. I don't need anymore clothes- just need to fix the clothes I already own and need to do a stylelit diary, so I don't forget what I own. 


I am just a well of solutions today! 


I also need to be kinder: to nance, my colleagues, my parents and myself. Anger diet is on. I have a feeling these two are linked. 


PS: Cainer has no idea who he is talking to: why wallow in a pool of introspection? Some of us with the sun in Aries have a moon in Pisces, you know. 

Ease on down... ease on down.. the road....

I have to move soon, and I've been deliberately lazy about planning it.  But my procrastination has caught p with me, and it's forcing me to make this major decision in a major way... right now. My folks, my colleagues and my friends think I should stick around a wee bit longer  (another year) to sort out the details for this major move, but I suspect that they thought with a wee bit more planning I would see that I need even more planning and thus put it off for another year and then another and then be a life-long Richmonder.

Here's the thing: other than financial reasons, why wait? And why drag it out? Right? I crunched numbers and if I live with my parents for 3 months, I'll have enough to go. And I need to go. I need to. I hate walking into every store or restaurant worrying that I will see Bruce or Lisa or one of their respective family members. I hate constantly thinking about starting over and getting up each day in the place I was the day before. I hate reporting into friends and saying yep- still here. Still in the place I don't want to be.

I know change actually comes about slowly, but if these planners could really see my last year, they would see it's been coming about pretty slowly.  I know it will be slow going once I get there, too, that's the thing. So, if I take a year to plan from this end, and then it takes a year to settle in, where will I truly be at the end of it, but just another year older? If I go now, I get the year there started earlier. I get to take classes and get my headshots and network and do all the things I need to do there... just sooner rather than later. And by 36, I would have truly started this new chapter.

I have an audition today. I have to drive 2.5 hours to get there. In VA, every audition is usually 1-2 hours away. Which means time off work, gas, travel $, etc. What's more, the return on financial investment has been low so far.  I know travel, gas and such will be an issue there, too. But it shouldn't cost me a day's pay, plus some. Yet another reason there works far better for me than here.

Today's horoscope is interesting, in that it's hard not to apply it to this moving dilemma and it makes me second guess everything I want- like maybe Cainer and these local friends and family can foresee the future and they know I'm going to miss out on a helluva an opportunity, like Speilberg casting straight out of an unknown talent pool in Richmond:
_________
Aries, Monday, 17 January 2011
Daily, Yesterday, Weekly, Monthly, Year Ahead Video

People often ask astrologers, 'Will I get what I want?' Astrologers usually have to reply by asking, 'Do you know what you want?' Often, people don't. They THINK they do - but, if astrology is about anything, it is about looking forward in time. One thing we all know about time is that as it passes it changes, dramatically, our expectations and our desires. What you want now is what will make you happiest in the long run. You're getting that. Don't reject it just because it isn't quite what you want in the short term. 

________

So what the hell do I do with this?

busybody business and heart over head

Aries- Week of January 15- 21

Your Week Ahead: You have no objection to being busy. You enjoy working hard when there is a worthwhile job to be done. But you resent getting caught in a cavalcade of chaos. You hate chasing your own tail or having to do things in a hurry that later must be redone properly. Sometimes, though, it cannot be avoided. We find that we can do no more than fight fires, without stopping to work out what's really causing them. You can't be one hundred per cent efficient this week, and you will drive yourself crazy if you try. You can, though, be successful despite miscommunication and unnecessary pressure.

Your Week Ahead - Love Focus: Artists are allowed to be creative. Accountants are not. There are some areas of life in which it is fine to be inventive, and others where we come under great pressure to stick to protocol and precedent. Life now brings you the opportunity to explore a fresh, fascinating possibility. Is that wise or is it dangerous? You had best be the judge - and, as you reach your verdict, avoid paying too much heed to prejudice and paranoia. Sometimes, when we do things differently, we achieve spectacular results. Your heart isn't stupid. Your head though, may now be too clever for its own good!


_____________


Ahhh, the week aheads. So indulgent.... so absolutely vague. I sort of hate week aheads, and yet, clamor on Fridays to check in and read them. Maybe because they fall so far in advance (I tend to think of weeks starting on Monday), or maybe because I'm ridiculously hopeful that one will atleast promise a massive lottery type finance score. Inevitably, I read them, and have no idea how or what or why or when they will make any sense.

Let's examine the above: the jist is: I will be busy and not too happy about it. So that must mean, I'll be busy at work? Great. If we look at personal business, though, I do have a few things happening for which I'm not prepared because I'm the best procrastinator ever assembled. I'm all about 11th hour freakouts and scrambles. I say I'm not. I say I'm going to plan ahead, but I never do....

Take yesterday: I had a whole day to memorize my audition and choose a monologue. Whole day. Did I do it? I'd say I gave about 30% to the effort. But I gave 70% to sipping wine, running errands, etc. Now, I hate monologues, and can't believe I got myself into this place. It's my fault, proposing this idea. Ugh. ugh ugh. The audition however, I should be more on my game. So I have today. And I will use it, milk it, drain it.... at exactly 8pm, I'm sure. I mean, I have to go to breakfast with Erik and Tom- I've blown them off for weeks, and I have to walk the dogs on a nice long walk- it's Sunday, and their little furry selves expect long Sunday walks, and I have to visit with Mom- cuz she's my mom. (I see the first part already beginning to play out, don't you?)

The second half of the horoscope frightens me a wee bit, too. I don't think it's making a prediction like the first half, so much as it's saying go with your heart. It's the time of year/ planets are in a certain line/ etc. that causes friction between heart and head, so more than likely, Arieses will be battling that dynamic. Ok, Cainer- but do you realize the caution you need to exercise when you tell an Aries to go with their heart? Because we do, we will, and it will be grandiose.

I'll be back in a week to tell you if these fine horoscope predictions were relevant at all... I'm kind of excited to see how this plays out, and hope it's all quite grandiose.

control.

Aries, Friday, 14 January 2011
Daily, Yesterday, Weekly, Monthly, Year Ahead Video

How far should you go? Where should you draw the line? It's no use looking to me for the answers to questions like this. You are the only person who can make such a decision. But right there in that statement is a useful clue. You are the only person who can make the right choice, not your companion, not your colleague, not your mentor nor your advisor. Don't waste time this weekend worrying about what other people might do in a situation like yours. Set your own standards. It is time to take control. 

___

For as long as I've been alive, I've had problems with control. Impulse control, mind control, control over my dogs, control over my finances, professionally and privately. I let others take control, I take too much control over others to keep the control chain alive and well greased. Control is this amazing juggling act, and well, I can't even juggle actual scarves (i know, yuk yuk, but seriously, it upsets me), so imagine how difficult daily life and relationships are for me. 

Cut to this whole "situation" (huge finger quotes) with Bruce. From the beginning of it, gave over all control to him, sure that he would bring about a speedy and fair outcome. Didn't happen. So I seized control in the form of a lawsuit. It was big seize for someone like me, especially in our relationship. If was a big seize for Bruce, so he retaliated. His retaliation seems to continue, but his weapon is paying spousal support. (Which, is stupid because I need it to move, and in fact, it was the whole reason I had to go to a lawyer in the first place. I turned over our savings to him, so he could pay me out of it, when I should have just taken the money and ran. So the longer he fails to pay, the longer I stay, and I'm not sure he gets this. But I digress...) 

2 weeks ago, I sent an email after I learned that he hadn't yet covered the $1k due to my lawyer on December 1, 2010, but had spent Christmas and New Year's in Detroit. What's more, the date for the remainder of the payout came and went, with no communication from him. I emailed him 2 weeks ago, but no response. Now... here's the old me in this relationship, I would let another week go by, and then I would formulate an email, and circulate it to my friends and family, weigh their responses and choose whether or not to send it.  But I read this horoscope (thanks Cainer) and decided that I need to do what I need to do. I'm not acting out of malice, and it's not rude to ask for clear communication. If fact, I'm being quite lenient. So, what am I so scared of- that he won't respond? That he'll hate me... more? Either way, I'm covered. So, why not take a little control here? 

For some of you readers, this is a no brainer and you long ago would have fired off a response to your lawyer. For me, this is two-three days worth of mental and emotional debate. And I'll prolly check my email several times today hoping for a prompt response, that I'm pretty sure won't happen. Anyway, here's the email that I won't send around to friends/ family/ lawyer. Ok- I did run it by Corina, and she approved.  Baby steps, right?

Bruce, 

I haven't heard a response to my email (sent 1/8/11) regarding lawyer's fees (due December 1, 2010). Nor have I seen a check for the remainder of the one-time payout, which you said to expect on January 9, 2010. If need be, I'm willing to look at the settlement as a guideline with some flexibility. I don't have a problem deviating from our settlement timeline within reason, but I need you to actively communicate with me. If this payment calendar appears impossible, I'm open to discussing a more suitable option without getting lawyers involved. 

I look forward to your response, and I need one by Tuesday morning. If I don't hear from you by then, I'll contact my lawyer.  

Jen 

____

So, what do you think? 

belief

Aries, Thursday, 13 January 2011
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The world is changing fast. Today's state-of-the-art device is tomorrow's car-boot-sale bargain. As with technology, so with fashion - and sadly, even with philosophy. What once was cutting edge is now blunt and dull. It seems, sometimes, that to survive on this fluid, fickle planet, we must be ready, at all times, to abandon every idea we once held dear. Yet some things don't change. You are seemingly under pressure now, to drop a deep belief. Don't. Not if your heart still sees the sense of it. That's one change too many! 

__________

I'm not sure what belief this could refer to- I edit, revise, rewrite, and somehow end up back at the first draft daily. So, I'll move on.... perhaps I'll find the connection glaringly in front of me as I type or after I turn off the computer. That's usually how it happens.

Yesterday, was a good day. Not because something massively changed, other than the hormonal release I desperately needed (I got my period). I woke up. I typed. I got ready. I went to work. I ate lunch. I drank coffee. I avoided an audition that I was truly not suited for (actually, a good idea). I came home. I walked the dogs. I ran errands. I visited a friend.  I walked the dogs again. I got ready for bed. I slept. 

In between though, somewhere during the morning, this positive energy crept in. Midday, that positive energy was met with more in the form of an email from the Syria producers, and I answered it with more positive energy. I cracked jokes. I did my hair. I came alive. I announced to Corina that I'm coming to LA. I said it out loud- this is what I'm doing universe. Regardless of Bruce's cooperation. In other words, I felt like every fiber of my being said: GAME ON.

Now, the kickstart of a journey isn't the difficult for me, it's the mid-point, the 3/4 point, etc. I lose steam quickly. It's part of my charm. And I feel like a ballplayer- I'm not changing my socks, because I want to bring the trophy home. The hair will get done just in case that's what changed me. The exercise will happen, just in case that's the catalyst. The coffee has been chosen (Blanchard's Breakfast), etc. I can't change the routine, because it worked. Except for the work part. I can change the hell out of that, and replace it with something far more meaningful (to me). 

I watched a few clips of myself yesterday in the email, and I wasn't too terribly pleased. But I understand my face better on camera. I understand what Michael Caine means more now that I have some distance and my own funk is clearning. I picked up his book again, and the words leapt up and met my own mental images and others' in ways they haven't. I'm thrilled for the weekend so I can sink in, record myself, and work his ideas out. 

Did I say I'm thrilled for the weekend? Cuz I am. 

To finish this fine morning, I do want to introduce a little moment that I need to repeat daily for awhile: 

  I'd like the thank the universe for all that I've learned over the past year. I'm grateful for everyone I've encountered, and the support of family and friends. I'm grateful for the opportunities to create coming my way. 

  I'd like the universe to take extra special care of Emily and her family. They've been through a lot, and they need your love and support as they heal.

  I'd like the universe to encourage Bruce follow through, live the life he wants without doing damage to those who love him. 

  I'd like the universe to provide confidence to Dusty and Tasha to find work that provides better income to their household and better peace of mind to their future. 

   I'd like the universe to realize Nancy's talent in the form of a film or television role, and for Nancy to have the confidence and spirit  to embrace it. 

   I'd like the universe to help Corina find a loving partner, someone who treats her well and shares her love of travel and exploration. 

    I'd like the universe to bring my parents together, and relieve them of their need to control the other.