i should feel guilty, but i don't.

Aries, Wednesday, 16 February 2011
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We all know the story of the boy who cried 'Wolf'. He may have been wrong... but at least he became famous. Nobody is even remotely interested in the tale of the little boy or girl who didn't cry 'Wolf'. If they saw nothing to fear, if they just kept on playing happily, their childhoods went unnoticed. Those who seek drama in their lives soon learn that, if you keep on making enough fuss, sooner or later you'll create something to make a fuss about. Be wary now, of a situation that seems more important than it actually is. 

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Missed yesterday due to technical issues here at home. I think my router was competing with my wireless on my phone, and the router wanted one last gasp before I turned it off.  Goodbye, extremely overpriced home router.

I want this next chapter to be a financially sound one. I'm tired of scraping by. I must exercise better financial impulse control over the next decade. I wish I knew more about investing and having my money make money. I'm really clueless about that. I've asked my father, but he really hasn't put the info out there. That's the thing about people who understand it, they aren't willing to share their knowledge. So the poor stay poor and the rich stay rich. 

Speaking of poor and rich, today Bruce is supposed to drop off $1k toward moving. I'm genuinely using it to move.  But that's because I spent way too much money on clothes and a pet behaviorist (but there's no price on the confidence she gave me, so... i wouldn't say I overspent.). Although, I wouldn't have to pay a pet behaviorist, if he hadn't left. So there. 

I'm playing hooky from work, again. I felt so cramped and overwhelmed and angry yesterday. I am thankful for my job, and sometimes I hit the mental and emotional place where I can't take it anymore. I was giving way too much attention to the tension created around Cheryl and her managerial tactics. And given that my weekend is going to be busy, chocked full of something I WANT to excel at, I thought it only best to give myself a mental and emotional break, clean the slate, so to speak. 

I should feel guilty about not going into work, but I don't. I did yesterday. I totally fretted over it, even though I had pretty much made up my mind and prepared the library accordingly. Here's what I'm tired of at work- bitchy older women. The program specialists are fine. Erik has mood swings, but his resilience is quick and funny. Cheryl and Ann, however, are just plain bitchy. Ann refuses to just accept that the library is not meant to be learned overnight, but common sense is the first step to understanding consumer requests. Cheryl just refuses to create a healthy atmosphere, understand her limitations and not spread her jealousy on others. I'm too smart for their bullshit, and it makes me tired. 

And thanks to Cainer, that's all I'll say about that. 

Emily and Duane talked last night. Emily wants to try to work through things. She says she misses him. I think her medication has re-calibrated her brain, and she realized that what she left is far more valuable and interesting and comfortable than what she has now. It's just a gut feeling, but I think she's sinking back into the familiar, because atleast it's familiar and unites her family. I hope Duane understands her needs and takes charge of his family for awhile. It's his turn. 

But then, that's asking a lot of Duane, who is stuck in a den of self pity right now. I know that den. I visited it for a few months there. It's dark, has old, musty shag carpeting, wood laminate walls, a single lightbulb to see by, some dude I don't know or care to know smoking weed in the corner, a gimp delivering tissues and wine. And I'm pretty sure everyone there is listening to a different soundtrack. Day and night merge into one, and the outside world seems like a cold, cruel place. I don't know exactly when I left, and I'm pretty sure I went back, but my time there has turned into a muddy memory. 

I'm nervous about filming this weekend. I want to do a really good job. I want this to mark a change in my work ethic, my approach, my energy to work. I want to be in charge of my performance, confident, calm, detailed, inspired. I am going to lunch with Em, just checking in and then the rest of the day and evening is dedicated to the scripts at hand, a wee bit of research on the styles of filming, and meditation. I can't run wildhaired into another project, unsure of what's happening and feeling insecure about my performance. It's just not worth it.