Aries, January 12, 2010: Here comes a chance to change direction. Every so often we all reach a point where we can, if we choose, pick a new path. Wisdom, at least in part, is the ability to know when such a possibility truly exists and to recognise when it is simply futile and counterproductive to keep dreaming of alternative options. For the time being, you are a passenger in a moving vehicle. Read the map by all means, but honour a situation as it currently stands, until you are in a position to do something else. That moment is coming soon.
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Ok, so I've been a little out of it for a few reasons, but I'll backpost those horoscopes if I feel it's necessary. Most have revolved around the same issue- decisions, new path, etc., and there' s only so much I can reflect on that. I've picked it: I'm moving to LA (see previous post on decision). Nance is right: it's a new start. It feels right. I want to work on TV and film, and I want to live on a coast near a beach. I blurted out at coffee with my Dad: I'll give myself 3 years. He seemed to like that number. I have no idea why I blurted that out. I said if I don't feel satisfied with my work there in 3 years, then I'll leave. I think he translated that to mean I'll come back here, and who knows- maybe I will? After I left in 1999, I didn't think I would move back, but security lured me back.
I've been really up and down the last few days. I know it's hormonal (I'm due to get my period this weekend), but this is pretty extreme. The words "control" and "care" are sticking out to me, and I tend to think of this time as taking control of my life, my wants, and my needs. If I'm going to do this, I have to start with my body. I'm just that kind of person. I don't feel good overweight. I don't feel good sitting down, and I can't focus if I eat crap. I think I'm pretty good at taking control of my food (although I'm not mastering protein these days), and my exercise; but hormones tend to get the best of me. Last night, I was laying in bed ready to cry. The night before, I tossed and turned for the better part of the night. During the day, I feel listless one minute, ready to take on the world the next. I signed up to audition for a woman that can shoot a basketball. Me! My thought pattern went like this: c'mon Jen, you never know, they say at min. she must be able to shoot the ball. You can do that. Go by a basketball and practice!!!
Then I get home, look at the ball and become an anxious mess at the thought of going to this audition and embarrassing myself. Overcome with despair at my crappy decision making skills, I lay down on the couch and drift off to sleep. (I was operating on 2 hours sleep, mind you, but still...) Today- the clean-up. I have to email my beloved casting director and fake an illness or a personal emergency or something of the like, and I hate lying to colleagues about fake illnesses. I hate it! I fear it will come back to me tenfold. (As in, a husband lying to me... it may be magical thinking, but still...) But what's worse, if I go, claiming I can shoot a hoop (they are holding the audition on a basketball court), and given my skillset (none), I predict I will look foolish, thereby making the casting director look foolish?
These are the predicaments I get myself into under the influence of PMS. The anxiety they cause far outweighs the actual entrance and exit. Every month. Without fail. Here it comes and yet, I fall under the influence. It's like my hormones have some sort of ruffie-like hold on me. But no more! It's time to take back control. I'm not sure how yet, but I'm going to find a way, and when I do....
Actually, I already feel better. See!! I knew the answer all along.
Over the last few days, I've been trying to set a morning routine. My dog behaviorist (yes, I hired one for a day because I'm taking control of my dogs' behavior issues.) suggested moving the long walk to the morning slot. She wants me to walk them right when I get up, because they will be super hungry and therefore ready to please me and therefore more willing to walk without pulling on the leash. But it's been too awfully cold at that hour, and my neighborhood is still a little alive at 6am in the dark. So, I'm moving it to 7:15am. 45 minutes is a good long walk, right? I'd like to get them some off leash time, so I think I will take them to a park tomorrow, once the icy streets thaw (we got some winter mix yesterday). Which means, I move my exercise routine to evening (and I like for now.), but I still feel like I need something in the morning. Perhaps meditation, a wee bit of yoga, a prayer session?
Now, that I've solved writing for hormones, I need to find a morning transition.
Oh yes, 2011 is all about problem-solving and taking control. Body, environment, pets, men= I am here to work with you, not for you or against you. You hear that? With you... and that means you work with me.
Hello?
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