Garblings

Aries, Thursday, 27 January 2011
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People love to talk about other people. We cannot help but want to know what our friends, colleagues and companions are up to. Nor can we resist holding opinions about their behaviour. Nor do we limit ourselves only to the folk we know. We are interested in the lives of strangers, too, as long as their stories are interesting enough. And, oh, how we love to hear about celebrities. A very garbled version of recent events is now being whispered. Don't be too quick to add to it or, indeed, to believe it. 

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Ok Cainer- you got me. I have no idea what this is. I will say this: I am rarely careful about what I say. So the note to exercise caution is generally a good one to give me. The only thing that comes to mind is Emily's mention that Bruce hasn't actually talked to Shelley in months. And I really wasn't too quick to add to it, judge it, etc. I responded to her that it makes me sad to think he's written off everyone close to him in this move, but that's not really adding to it or believing it. Because I'm not sure I do believe it. I don't really believe anything when it comes to Bruce anymore. Sometimes, I don't even believe my own thoughts and feelings. 

But that's all I got to say about that. This is one of those horoscopes that inspires fear more than anything. Best to walk away with the simple idea: Exercise caution when speaking. 

Recently I thought of that moment in NYC that he mentioned from a diary- the one where I was super drunk, dancing in Lincoln Center's square and planted a big smooch on the face of the German tourist. When Bruce brought it up as ammo against me, as a reason to justify his cheating and lying, I believed that I had caused this whole tornado. In turn, I took it to Ted, who carefully reminded me that at the time, we were dating, and nothing really happened, and what's more: Bruce could've talked to me about it. Turning it back, holding it against me, these are all just tactics at manipulation.  And manipulation like that doesn't hold a marriage together well for long. 

Last night, I went over to Eva's. She broke up with her boyfriend, David, who has behaved jealously one too many times. She believes its because she was never fully invested in the relationship, and kept him hanging on way too long. I like Eva a lot, but in striving to keep moments light, to keep the room at a comfortable temperature for herself, I realized that she's a bit of a manipulator, too. Now- I'm not excusing David and his jealousy. At all. But I can see where she would drive the right guy mad by giving a little, then withholding. I pointed out that an appropriate response to her behavior would be that he feels she's just not invested, to state what he wants out of a relationship, and when he doesn't get it, move on. They aren't married. But still, I see her tactics. And manipulation like that may hold a marriage together, but it takes just the right combo (and I think she'll find it.)

So, I asked myself: what's my M.O.? What are my manipulative tactics. Bruce pointed out my anger one time, but I now know that was because he was cheating and lying to me, withholding from me, and I felt like I was operating in a vacuum, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I am a reactive person, and sometimes my anger flares, but I'm quick to come down, too, and more often than not, ready to talk. I'm probably more like David, actually. (Good that I see this now, right?) 

Actually, my M.O. is "please love me." What do you want- do you want to eat? Let's eat! (even if I don't want to), and I'll subsequently stuff my face. What do you want- you want to lay around- of course! You've had a long hard day- let's lay (even if I really want to exercise, clean, and piddle around the house.) I roll over. I agree. I quickly get comfortable with an individual- they always tell me that they feel so comfortable around me, that it- meaning us- is so comfortable. Worse, I've realized that I also seek out depressed men. I have a special knack for it. There can be a room full of vibrant, exciting, strapping lads, and I'll migrate over to the guy in the corner sitting quietly, contemplating his beer. And... he... will... bring... me.... further... down. Or the combo of us will drag both of us down. Ok- so I get them while they are down and I provide a comfortable space to really sink into that depression. Wow, I'm a couch. I'm a security blanket. 

On that note- I have to begin my day. Which includes an audition. For which I haven't prepared. The CA still hasn't sent the script, so I don't know if it's even good. The description of the character is so detailed. Sooooooo detailed. And I think the Joe Egg monologue will actually be a good one to use for it. I just have to cut it to one minute and run the heck out of it. Hopefully work will be fairly quiet and I can multi-task. More importantly, I think I need to walk into the audition in character. I'm not sure these kids will want to see anything less.  

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Oh wait! Could this be a reference to Syria's return? or to Speilberg filming Lincoln here? Cainer does mention celebrities. Interesting....Either way, there's nothing to be done but wait and see...