listen.

Your February Monthly Forecast: Money is coming into your life but as soon as it gets there, it is taking one brief look at you and saying, 'see you later'. It is not that you are spending wildly or making poor choices, it is more that there are bills you never budgeted for and needs you weren't expecting. In February, your love life is also due to be full of surprises, some of which are a little tense or dramatic. In a strange way, you thrive on having so much to deal with, complain about - or strive to set straight. So you had best enjoy the upheaval whilst you can because soon you will commence a more prosperous, stable, emotionally comforting era. 


Your Week Ahead - Love Focus: Are we all like prisoners, yearning to escape? Or do most of us simply aspire to make our cells a little more comfortable? How much change do you now want to see? What do you have to do to bring this about? You can make a dramatic, decisive move from which there is no going back. Or you can make a set of smaller, more subtle adjustments whilst keeping your most important options open. Perhaps the only thing that's making you feel trapped by a situation is the fact that you can't see a way out of it. If you could, you might find you were surprisingly happy to stay in it. 


___


This weekend I get a double dose of deliciousness from Cainer who posted the month-ahead a bit early. I love little surprises like this. At first, I thought it was an error, his webmaster jumped the gun or scheduled it wrong, but then I read his intro, and it seems he was eager to post February, too. Perhaps January blahs were weighing him down. 


Last month was all abut focusing- what to pay attention to and what to avoid. In January's monthly forecast he mentioned that I would learn some important details about an individual. I listened. I listened carefully all month. I realized my therapist is a bit prejudiced when it comes to divorce, as he's been through atleast one, and illustrated this through a few stories which he intended to show that men can simply be forgetful or lazy. I learned that my friend Eva struggles with defining herself as an actor and comedian because she spends more time toiling at a day-job than anything else. I learned that her budding love affair was actually doomed from the start because she's never willing to fully give herself over, creating a power struggle. I learned that my friend Scott wants loads of attention. From females. And uses his loft apartment to woo in women (women are suckers for a good nest, after all). I learned that Corina's mom set the tone for Corina's life by blaming Corina for getting cancer as a baby, and thereby making Corina struggle for and against her mother's approval. I understand more why people require their alone time, but struggle with balancing it against social time. I learned that Bruce and Shelley really haven't been in contact for the last few months. Not that it is of super importance, and certainly doesn't warrant a major amount of speculation, but it certainly gives me pause that he would let go of this friendship. I saw that Bruce doesn't work any harder to get me out of his life than to scratch my name out on his check. 


I also looked at more faces on the street this month, met more smiles and gazes and felt less afraid of being judged, of judging than I have over the last few years. 


And then today, I learned a big piece of news for my piece of mind: Geoffrey Rush developed panic attacks during his stage acting career, from what he believes, was general burnout. I teared up when he said it. I don't have his career certainly, but to hear another actor say it, and the debilitating effects of them written in his stare, I felt more peaceful with myself. I've heard other performers talk about them, but I respect him in a different way. I think he's one of the finest, and I want to be like him in many ways. To hear him talk about looking at the exit sign, losing his place, locking up, it felt like less of a hack. 


I've also listened and watched my dogs more. I'm more cognicent of my behavior with them. I'm working on being quieter, creating a more calm world with them. And yesterday marked a milestone- Olive, Bella and Kee all hung out with me, my friends Erik and Tom, and my parents. All of is in the same room. It required a lot of treats and some coaching from me. But we did it. The animals were pretty buzzed, and begged for lots of attention, which my animal- loving guests fought hard not to give.  After they left, I wondered if Olive's tentativeness was something I've made larger than it needed to be.  Much like the loneliness and self doubt that I spun around in as a result of the panic attacks. 


__________


February's forecast arrived the day I noticed the hot water heater was leaking. So, thanks Cainer. I'm nervous about what the plumber/ heating expert will diagnose and how to approach Bruce about repair costs. On the one hand, I feel like I should cover it because I have lived here for the last seven months almost rent free. On the other hand, I didn't back out of this very important social and legal contract in haste, then drag it out while I cheated on my spouse so she had to stay here for seven months rent free. Erik, Tom and my parents were quick to say Bruce will have to cover it. But I felt guilty. I'm hoping we can do a temporary fix until I get out of the house, Bruce gets settled back in and has some time to regain some financial ground. 


Given Cainer's right on financial picture painting, I'm wary of the love forecast. I really don't need any more distractions right now, and while I desire companionship, I know I'll let it sway my efforts or at the very minimum, I know i'll let my mind dedicate too much time to the drama. I want to leave Richmond and move to LA. I want to save money so I can leave Richmond, which means moving in with my parents for a bit (please not long for their sakes), not exactly a prime time to start anything. And really, this series of moves is all the drama I want and need. 

Twisted

Aries, Friday, January 28, 2011
People love to pass on information. They like to swap stories and share news. That's all harmless enough. Few of us would ever dream of deliberately embellishing a tale in order to make it more dramatic or interesting. Sadly, though, we all have a tendency to misinterpret what we hear or to read a moral into it. Nor do we all have an impeccable eye for detail. Be careful about what you say - and about how much you believe of what others say to you this weekend. Something that ought to be straight and simple is beginning to get twisted. 




___


Cainer, I'm changing your name to Cassandra. I don't believe you. Nobody is whispering anything in my ear. I don't feel like I've been privy to some amazing secret or piece of information juicy enough to warrant the kind of attention its receiving here in this horoscope. But then, maybe I'm on your plain, Cainer, maybe I've already written it off so fast, that I don't even remember it. Yeah, let's just go with that. 


Bruce dropped off the remainder of the one-time payout from the settlement (i.e. our savings). He hasn't gotten new checks yet, so the check still has my full married name in the address section. Except, he scratched it out. Yep. He drew a line through my name with blue marker. He also hid the check on the back of the mailbox, because he didn't put it in an envelope, so I initially couldn't find it. It felt like a cruel game, but I'm pretty sure it's just the result of his poor planning and lack of envelope. Whatever, it's here. 


It all feels so dirty- asking for money. It feels disgusting. When he emailed me to say he planned to drop it off, I cried. And then I thought of a few ways to destroy the check- which makes no sense other than I hate the dirty feeling this whole situation leaves behind. I wish I didn't have to ask for money. I wish I had the pocket change in-hand now, ready to go. Well, maybe not pocket change, dollars would be better. Or not, because then I would get to go to that change machine at Kroger for once. I'd take it in an enormous jug that I have to wheel in and need several baggers to help me hoist. And then I would get to listen to the counter for an hour. I love that sound- so satisfying. I might draw the wrong kind of attention, but it would be worth it to hear that sound.


Speaking of going- this weekend I have to plan the move because it's less than a month away. Thank you February for being shorter than other months. Actually- I have to plan move(s). Financially and otherwise.  I also have to do my resume. I cancelled brunch with Katherine and everything to work on this. I had to cancel because I can't spend money on brunch and travel right now, but I also prioritized my workload/ playload and that seemed the most flexible. Tonight, Em, Dan, Shannon, Danielya and I are going to a burlesque and variety show, for which we don't have tickets yet. Who stops ticket sales 3 days before the performance? So, we'll have to line up. And...Jason is supposed to meet up with us afterward. I hopeI hopeI hope we get in. It looks like fun, and I don't want another night of sitting in a bar staring at one anothers' faces, reviewing our lives. I'm drowning at the thought alone. I can't take it. Poor Em has been through so much, she deserves to laugh and cheer and see people dance and do wonderfully silly things.  And the rest of us need to laugh and cheer with her for our own reasons.  Adulthood is hard. Richmond- don't let me down here. Again. 


Tomorrow evening, I'm going to a fundraiser for a crew member from Syria, VA (the show, not the town) who needs a heart transplant. Let me just say that again- a heart transplant. He's 32,  a father of 2 and he needs a heart transplant. So, just in case I decide to put back on my blinders and descend into the depths of my despair and heartbreak, I hope I remember those who truly have a broken heart. 


Last night I auditioned for a student film that I actually like. It sets up a potentially interesting universe for a pilot for television, wherein the world is desolate and bleak and ravaged by disease, but there's one woman who sees a potential way out (my character- hurrah!!!). And guess what, readers? I got the part! I did! I have to take off 2 days of work, I don't get paid, I shoot an hour away, but- I get a copy and I think it will look good on my reel. And it's experience. Which I sorely need right now. I don't trust my acting ability because it sits on a shelf for weeks at a time gathering dust. When I do pull it down, I totally underestimate the time it requires for cleaning and prepping, and then I feel rushed and sloppy and hammy. 


Shit- I need to sent out my email/ letter for my reel. Shit. Add that to the moving list. 


Holy crap! Look at me wasting time! Ok- so here's the thing, me, readers, and anyone else looking over my shoulder. Whisperings, garblings, etc. will always enter the picture, but let's keep our eyes focused on the prize. Hear them, but don't lean into them. I have one goal and an amazing set of opportunities to get there. Onward and upward. 


And Cainer, thanks for the lesson in distraction. Now, can you get back to the real forecast?

Garblings

Aries, Thursday, 27 January 2011
Daily, Yesterday, Weekly, Monthly, Year Ahead Video

People love to talk about other people. We cannot help but want to know what our friends, colleagues and companions are up to. Nor can we resist holding opinions about their behaviour. Nor do we limit ourselves only to the folk we know. We are interested in the lives of strangers, too, as long as their stories are interesting enough. And, oh, how we love to hear about celebrities. A very garbled version of recent events is now being whispered. Don't be too quick to add to it or, indeed, to believe it. 

___

Ok Cainer- you got me. I have no idea what this is. I will say this: I am rarely careful about what I say. So the note to exercise caution is generally a good one to give me. The only thing that comes to mind is Emily's mention that Bruce hasn't actually talked to Shelley in months. And I really wasn't too quick to add to it, judge it, etc. I responded to her that it makes me sad to think he's written off everyone close to him in this move, but that's not really adding to it or believing it. Because I'm not sure I do believe it. I don't really believe anything when it comes to Bruce anymore. Sometimes, I don't even believe my own thoughts and feelings. 

But that's all I got to say about that. This is one of those horoscopes that inspires fear more than anything. Best to walk away with the simple idea: Exercise caution when speaking. 

Recently I thought of that moment in NYC that he mentioned from a diary- the one where I was super drunk, dancing in Lincoln Center's square and planted a big smooch on the face of the German tourist. When Bruce brought it up as ammo against me, as a reason to justify his cheating and lying, I believed that I had caused this whole tornado. In turn, I took it to Ted, who carefully reminded me that at the time, we were dating, and nothing really happened, and what's more: Bruce could've talked to me about it. Turning it back, holding it against me, these are all just tactics at manipulation.  And manipulation like that doesn't hold a marriage together well for long. 

Last night, I went over to Eva's. She broke up with her boyfriend, David, who has behaved jealously one too many times. She believes its because she was never fully invested in the relationship, and kept him hanging on way too long. I like Eva a lot, but in striving to keep moments light, to keep the room at a comfortable temperature for herself, I realized that she's a bit of a manipulator, too. Now- I'm not excusing David and his jealousy. At all. But I can see where she would drive the right guy mad by giving a little, then withholding. I pointed out that an appropriate response to her behavior would be that he feels she's just not invested, to state what he wants out of a relationship, and when he doesn't get it, move on. They aren't married. But still, I see her tactics. And manipulation like that may hold a marriage together, but it takes just the right combo (and I think she'll find it.)

So, I asked myself: what's my M.O.? What are my manipulative tactics. Bruce pointed out my anger one time, but I now know that was because he was cheating and lying to me, withholding from me, and I felt like I was operating in a vacuum, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I am a reactive person, and sometimes my anger flares, but I'm quick to come down, too, and more often than not, ready to talk. I'm probably more like David, actually. (Good that I see this now, right?) 

Actually, my M.O. is "please love me." What do you want- do you want to eat? Let's eat! (even if I don't want to), and I'll subsequently stuff my face. What do you want- you want to lay around- of course! You've had a long hard day- let's lay (even if I really want to exercise, clean, and piddle around the house.) I roll over. I agree. I quickly get comfortable with an individual- they always tell me that they feel so comfortable around me, that it- meaning us- is so comfortable. Worse, I've realized that I also seek out depressed men. I have a special knack for it. There can be a room full of vibrant, exciting, strapping lads, and I'll migrate over to the guy in the corner sitting quietly, contemplating his beer. And... he... will... bring... me.... further... down. Or the combo of us will drag both of us down. Ok- so I get them while they are down and I provide a comfortable space to really sink into that depression. Wow, I'm a couch. I'm a security blanket. 

On that note- I have to begin my day. Which includes an audition. For which I haven't prepared. The CA still hasn't sent the script, so I don't know if it's even good. The description of the character is so detailed. Sooooooo detailed. And I think the Joe Egg monologue will actually be a good one to use for it. I just have to cut it to one minute and run the heck out of it. Hopefully work will be fairly quiet and I can multi-task. More importantly, I think I need to walk into the audition in character. I'm not sure these kids will want to see anything less.  

__

Oh wait! Could this be a reference to Syria's return? or to Speilberg filming Lincoln here? Cainer does mention celebrities. Interesting....Either way, there's nothing to be done but wait and see... 

Cleansing

Aries, Tuesday, January 25, 2011
What is so urgent? What is there that can't wait? Where is the pressure coming from? When can you expect life to become quiet and calm once more? It will all happen once you recognise how very powerful you are. You're worrying when you don't need to. You're assuming that much is against you when, actually, you've got a lot going for you. Neither act with unseemly haste, nor be too quick to reach judgements that are best arrived at slowly and carefully. Everything will get easier as time goes by. 


___




Cainer keeps reflecting on haste making waste and patience and yet not giving up. I have a problem doing all or nothing. I am an extreme sort of person. For instance, I had the night last night to do my resume, and I talked on the phone because I was tired. I could've done a wee bit of the resume, but no, I decided that fatigue was too overwhelming and that all I could muster was a phone discussion. 


In other news, I'm doing a sort of bastardized cleanse. It involves drinking a spinach, celery and cucumber shake in the morning, plus a chlorophyll mixture. Salad for lunch, apple and peanut butter for snack, carrots and hummus (wee bit) for a snack, and veggies for dinner. I also opted for lots of green decaf tea. No caffeine, no alcohol, no butter, no eggs, no sugar. But after too days, I do not feel cleaner or lighter. I don't feel as heavy as I did this weekend when I ate lots of sweets and drank beer. But I've had no serious bowel release- which I hoped for. And I have a raging headache, which doesn't suit me at all. So, I'm adding back in my latte this morning. It just seems wasteful not to. Monday, I couldn't exercise at all due to the headache and last night I got fatigued after running a half an hour. I want to exercise, I like exercising. I couldn't afford to do the whole cleanse, and honestly, I'm not sure I need to. I just need to cut back on sugar and alcohol on the weekends. Plus, it can't hurt to add more veggies into my diet. I like these spinach shakes (go figure), so I think I'll keep them. 


I've had little angry moments creep up over the last couple of days. I assume the detox is pulling out details that I haven't fully dealt with. Interestingly, these involve confronting Lisa, which I really haven't wanted to do. I found a few pics from past events where she was featured. It hurt. It hurt to think that she's more desirable, that he found more desirable at these events, even though I was right there. 


Which means- I need to get the hell out of Richmond. Talking to Laura last night I felt ashamed that I hadn't saved more money. This week begins the big SAVE, and I decided I'm selling what I don't need to move. I bet I can accumulate $10k before I leave. Just like I hoped.  I know I can. From this point forward, I'm just working toward the move. I hope Cainer is right, I hope it all does become easier. I mean, I feel my attitude shifting and lifting (hey- maybe this cleanse is making me lighter). Living in Haiti is hard. Driving across country with the support of my friends and family with three animals to start a new life in a coastal city- not exactly that hard. I can do this. I can. I think my mantra should be- I trust me. 


mmmm Spinach shake. 

fuckit

I can’t open the Safari today. I cancelled my internet service, which was way overpriced, and it ended yesterday. I thought I could handle being disconnected at home for a bit. Boy, was I wrong. Take away the TV, but don’t take the internet. For instance, I need to know how long the fruit should be soaking in the sangria I’m making. I don’t have a book that tells me as much- but the internet will.  I need to know what my calendar is- and I can’t see it unless the internet shows me. Everything I do is online. I’m not sure I actually know anything anymore or that knowledge storage is even relevant to me. Because I can find out anything at a moment’s notice. Why bother remembering?

Worse, I can’t see my horoscope. And today’s a big little day for me. Big because an idea I threw out stuck and whabam came to fruition. I want it to go so well. But I still need ample prep time, and worse, I need to remember another monologue that is stored in google docs, not on my computer. Another reason I need the internet stat. Pleaseohpleaseohplease let it go well. I feared I’ve picked too serious a monologue for a venue like this. So serious, that I just leapt up from my computer to...I don’t know run off and find that magical new one! I really don’t know why I just leapt up. I’m just blistering with energy and anxiety, I guess!?  But I have what Cainer’s talked about all week- and that’s kindness and confidence. Manifesting kindness and confidence makes any situation better instantly. I hope I channeled it last night. 

We met up with Dan and Jason- Dan for the movie- the King’s Speech- which ironically was about the power of kindness and confidence! Geoffrey Rush plays Lionel Logue, an amateur actor turned speech therapist who helps King George VI, played exquisitely by Colin Firth, work toward overcoming his terrible fears that stifle his voice and thereby cause him to studder when he speaks. Lionel is terrifically confident in his abilities, and sweetly doesn’t stand for any of the King’s tactics to derail the therapy sessions. More importantly, he works to instill confidence in the King, who has long struggled with the overwhelming duty of being a member of the monarchy. Confidence wins- not flimsy confidence, the confidence hard won by experience and an overdeveloped humility. 

But I digress....

Anyway, we met up with Jason and Dan. Jason works as  a cook, or possibly a sous chef, at a local restaurant/ nightclub.  He lives in a boarding house situation, and seems to have a colorful set of roommates.  He told Emily that high school, and in particular the years of being her boyfriend, were actually the peak of his life. I disagree- unless he lets his fears get the better of him. He looks like a baby, still, and he has no problem taking over a situation to drive it forward. After all, he was sitting at a table with quiet me, quiet Dan, and drugged Emily, he had to get the party started or we would have all stared at one another.  But the kind part of Jason is that he didn’t ask for a resume from Dan and me. He knows Emily’s story, but he doesn’t know our’s. He didn’t inquire about Bruce or anything like that. Partly because he far more enjoys talking about partying and being a bachelor. Or well, it’s a good flag to wave right now.  Anyway, I didn’t ask for his resume either, in return- a default conversation starter that isn’t meant to pin someone, but inevitably does. And I tried to keep it light and sweet and lively. I can do better though. Without alcohol.  I wish I wasn’t so shy, and I wish beer wasn’t so delicious. 

So tonight I share this monologue and maybe another with good people, people who work in the industry here, who I want to impress, who I need to impress, and with whom I want to start a dialogue. Even though I’m leaving, I need to, because, who knows, maybe I could have dual citizenship between Virginia and California. That would be heavenly. I need to because I need to know that where I’m going is where I’m wanted. And I don’t mean state, as in a location, per se. Rather, a work, a group, a community.  What’s more, I need to know I can get through a monologue confidently and thoroughly. I used to be able to, but since the move back East, it’s been almost impossible to even get to the stage without shaking horridly. It’s like I forgot I can disappear. I forgot all that I learned. Fear is a strange beast- it sneaks up and takes over in shapes and forms that seem harmless enough- until we find our voice is not longer there, and stammering becomes just a part of our fabric, our dna. We forget what it was like to speak without the stammer, and can’t even remember that time. 

I need to be kind to myself and kind to them and just remember, we’re all in this together. There are no levels, no betters and bests. There is no greater competitor than my own ego, so deep breaths, self, and ....fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckkkkkkkkkkit. Fuck it. Fuckittty fuck fuck it. What am I so afraid of? FUCKIT. Here we go...

(ps- wish me luck?)

going confidently forth.

Aries, January 19, 2011: People think, when they try to be 'in the right place at the right time' that it means changing location. Rarely, though, is this required. It's much more likely that a simple change of attitude will do the trick. Simply by deciding that you are going to feel all right, you can chase away much of what's wrong. A confident person, deciding to play the hand they have been dealt as well as possible, can be far more successful than an insecure individual who happens to be holding an entire set of aces. Remember that today. 


____


Ok ok ok ok----- I GET IT! It's all in my head. I'm a worry wart, a nervous nelly, all by own making. Confidence is not my gift, so I have to cultivate it. And what better timing to bring up the subject of confidence then now- the day I've taken off work to prepare for a little somehting of my own making that I am sweating and losing sleep over. 


So, Eva is my friend who I met on set of Syria, VA. She's fabulous and wild and I adore her. Often, I just sort of sit back and watch her, because she's the kind of person who takes a stage. And that's fine by me. Anyway, around New Year's I threw out this idea for a sharing, a workout, and I thought it would end up being her, me, her boyfriend, maybe one other, and we'd all get together eat, and half of us would share. Not so. She's built quite a little community that is coming together this Saturday. I mean, she took the idea and ran with it. And I'm glad she did. Because I'm used to letting plans crumble. I back out of too much, so I'm glad she held me to it. 


Now, if I just knew what I was going to do, because of course, I feel the need to blow the windows the place. I suppose I'll do a monologue- it's expected, but it's also necessary. I need a few in my back pocket before the move, and I've aged out of previous ones.  I called her last night, half expecting to hear that her life is moving at a rapid pace, she has a million things happening, and could we just move the date one more time. At which point I would sigh with relief, attempt to make her feel good about that decision by divulging my own drama (even if there really hasn't been much), and hangup happy to put this off yet again.


Luckily, she didn't say that. So here we are. I have a stack of books here, and a few monologues that I truly treasure, but none I feel solid about so far. Today's goal: find one to feel solid about and work the hell out of it. There seem to be two groups of monologues to which I'm drawn- women who are strung out on some man or mothers of children with disabilities. Should really charm the crowd, right? 


But that's just it, I want to charm the crowd. I want to fill them with energy and life and hope and help them disappear for a second into another person. That's what I'll ask of casting agents, and I'm pretty sure this will be a harder crowd to woo than the agents. Thus, the amazing amount of pressure I've been putting on myself. But no more. Cainer says so. Confidence. It's all about confidence, and thus I will confidently choose and work and take time to channel that confidence when I stand up in Eva's living room on Saturday in front of this other stuck folks who long for a community to create- same as me. 

glass is hazy

Aries- January, 18, 2011: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the biggest fool of all?' 'I cannot say, my glass is hazy. But it certainly looks, like someone's crazy.' Do you want to know why your mirror will not give a clear answer? Because, in the very act of asking it, you are teetering close to the brink of foolishness. Of course a silly situation is not your fault. You know this really, so why wallow in a pool of introspection and recrimination. Don't blame anyone, least of all yourself, for anything. Just do what can't be anything but wise today. You haven't got a 'problem'. You have an incredible opportunity.


___


I'm not sure I spent the day thinking anything was my fault, per se, but I generally live my day in some sort of low expectation cloud. And of course, since I announced to myself and Nusu, Genevieve, Nance and roughly to my parents, I've had my doubts about actually getting my butt to LA. Lots of doubts have drifted through like: what if the car dies in the middle of nowhere? (solution: check with progressive about towing service and/or get AAA). How much are hotels going to run me with the dogs and cat? (solution: also check campgrounds on route and buy tent. and don't mention cat to hotels.) What if I can't find a job? (solution: you piece together 2 jobs. but first, get resume together, send it out and then reason out a solution.)  What if I get out there, and casting agents reject me and I float around for 3 years rusting more? (solution: classes and theatre. there are always classes and theatre.) What if one of the animals needs a vet while we are on the road? (Solution: call Pet insurance about moving/ temp insurance for animals/ finish getting vet check-ups before we move/ get android so you know where vets are in each town.) 


You get the idea. And the solutions don't come to me while I'm just spinning around in the panic, they float out as I type, not as I think. 


Yesterday, I accomplished almost nothing at work. And then I didn't tackle the monologue when I got home. Instead, I ran. And it felt great. And then I planned today and tomorrow: today, I tackle the heck out of work, get all my new items done and tidy up. Tomorrow: I call in sick and work my monologues all day, finding the right one.  


The other doubts I've had have been around actually affording the move- which is weird, because I have and am making more money than I ever have. I keep looking at my bank balance as if it's a lie. But I also keep spending. My idea of a spending diet has been to look at my bank balance and spend anyway- It's like looking at my bulbous belly and thighs and reckoning that one more slice of cake can't help or hurt. So, my doubts about my willpower are well-founded. But then, I no longer have the bulbous belly and thighs, so why the thin accounts. If I can keep my exercise and eating in check, I can do the bank account the same, right? 


Spending diet is on: if it doesn't contribute to the move, I don't need it. When I visit LA- I'll only spend $30 per day on food. I'll fly in and out of Reagan or Dulles or Newport News. And I'll research the public transportation system before renting a car. I don't need anymore clothes- just need to fix the clothes I already own and need to do a stylelit diary, so I don't forget what I own. 


I am just a well of solutions today! 


I also need to be kinder: to nance, my colleagues, my parents and myself. Anger diet is on. I have a feeling these two are linked. 


PS: Cainer has no idea who he is talking to: why wallow in a pool of introspection? Some of us with the sun in Aries have a moon in Pisces, you know. 

Ease on down... ease on down.. the road....

I have to move soon, and I've been deliberately lazy about planning it.  But my procrastination has caught p with me, and it's forcing me to make this major decision in a major way... right now. My folks, my colleagues and my friends think I should stick around a wee bit longer  (another year) to sort out the details for this major move, but I suspect that they thought with a wee bit more planning I would see that I need even more planning and thus put it off for another year and then another and then be a life-long Richmonder.

Here's the thing: other than financial reasons, why wait? And why drag it out? Right? I crunched numbers and if I live with my parents for 3 months, I'll have enough to go. And I need to go. I need to. I hate walking into every store or restaurant worrying that I will see Bruce or Lisa or one of their respective family members. I hate constantly thinking about starting over and getting up each day in the place I was the day before. I hate reporting into friends and saying yep- still here. Still in the place I don't want to be.

I know change actually comes about slowly, but if these planners could really see my last year, they would see it's been coming about pretty slowly.  I know it will be slow going once I get there, too, that's the thing. So, if I take a year to plan from this end, and then it takes a year to settle in, where will I truly be at the end of it, but just another year older? If I go now, I get the year there started earlier. I get to take classes and get my headshots and network and do all the things I need to do there... just sooner rather than later. And by 36, I would have truly started this new chapter.

I have an audition today. I have to drive 2.5 hours to get there. In VA, every audition is usually 1-2 hours away. Which means time off work, gas, travel $, etc. What's more, the return on financial investment has been low so far.  I know travel, gas and such will be an issue there, too. But it shouldn't cost me a day's pay, plus some. Yet another reason there works far better for me than here.

Today's horoscope is interesting, in that it's hard not to apply it to this moving dilemma and it makes me second guess everything I want- like maybe Cainer and these local friends and family can foresee the future and they know I'm going to miss out on a helluva an opportunity, like Speilberg casting straight out of an unknown talent pool in Richmond:
_________
Aries, Monday, 17 January 2011
Daily, Yesterday, Weekly, Monthly, Year Ahead Video

People often ask astrologers, 'Will I get what I want?' Astrologers usually have to reply by asking, 'Do you know what you want?' Often, people don't. They THINK they do - but, if astrology is about anything, it is about looking forward in time. One thing we all know about time is that as it passes it changes, dramatically, our expectations and our desires. What you want now is what will make you happiest in the long run. You're getting that. Don't reject it just because it isn't quite what you want in the short term. 

________

So what the hell do I do with this?

busybody business and heart over head

Aries- Week of January 15- 21

Your Week Ahead: You have no objection to being busy. You enjoy working hard when there is a worthwhile job to be done. But you resent getting caught in a cavalcade of chaos. You hate chasing your own tail or having to do things in a hurry that later must be redone properly. Sometimes, though, it cannot be avoided. We find that we can do no more than fight fires, without stopping to work out what's really causing them. You can't be one hundred per cent efficient this week, and you will drive yourself crazy if you try. You can, though, be successful despite miscommunication and unnecessary pressure.

Your Week Ahead - Love Focus: Artists are allowed to be creative. Accountants are not. There are some areas of life in which it is fine to be inventive, and others where we come under great pressure to stick to protocol and precedent. Life now brings you the opportunity to explore a fresh, fascinating possibility. Is that wise or is it dangerous? You had best be the judge - and, as you reach your verdict, avoid paying too much heed to prejudice and paranoia. Sometimes, when we do things differently, we achieve spectacular results. Your heart isn't stupid. Your head though, may now be too clever for its own good!


_____________


Ahhh, the week aheads. So indulgent.... so absolutely vague. I sort of hate week aheads, and yet, clamor on Fridays to check in and read them. Maybe because they fall so far in advance (I tend to think of weeks starting on Monday), or maybe because I'm ridiculously hopeful that one will atleast promise a massive lottery type finance score. Inevitably, I read them, and have no idea how or what or why or when they will make any sense.

Let's examine the above: the jist is: I will be busy and not too happy about it. So that must mean, I'll be busy at work? Great. If we look at personal business, though, I do have a few things happening for which I'm not prepared because I'm the best procrastinator ever assembled. I'm all about 11th hour freakouts and scrambles. I say I'm not. I say I'm going to plan ahead, but I never do....

Take yesterday: I had a whole day to memorize my audition and choose a monologue. Whole day. Did I do it? I'd say I gave about 30% to the effort. But I gave 70% to sipping wine, running errands, etc. Now, I hate monologues, and can't believe I got myself into this place. It's my fault, proposing this idea. Ugh. ugh ugh. The audition however, I should be more on my game. So I have today. And I will use it, milk it, drain it.... at exactly 8pm, I'm sure. I mean, I have to go to breakfast with Erik and Tom- I've blown them off for weeks, and I have to walk the dogs on a nice long walk- it's Sunday, and their little furry selves expect long Sunday walks, and I have to visit with Mom- cuz she's my mom. (I see the first part already beginning to play out, don't you?)

The second half of the horoscope frightens me a wee bit, too. I don't think it's making a prediction like the first half, so much as it's saying go with your heart. It's the time of year/ planets are in a certain line/ etc. that causes friction between heart and head, so more than likely, Arieses will be battling that dynamic. Ok, Cainer- but do you realize the caution you need to exercise when you tell an Aries to go with their heart? Because we do, we will, and it will be grandiose.

I'll be back in a week to tell you if these fine horoscope predictions were relevant at all... I'm kind of excited to see how this plays out, and hope it's all quite grandiose.

control.

Aries, Friday, 14 January 2011
Daily, Yesterday, Weekly, Monthly, Year Ahead Video

How far should you go? Where should you draw the line? It's no use looking to me for the answers to questions like this. You are the only person who can make such a decision. But right there in that statement is a useful clue. You are the only person who can make the right choice, not your companion, not your colleague, not your mentor nor your advisor. Don't waste time this weekend worrying about what other people might do in a situation like yours. Set your own standards. It is time to take control. 

___

For as long as I've been alive, I've had problems with control. Impulse control, mind control, control over my dogs, control over my finances, professionally and privately. I let others take control, I take too much control over others to keep the control chain alive and well greased. Control is this amazing juggling act, and well, I can't even juggle actual scarves (i know, yuk yuk, but seriously, it upsets me), so imagine how difficult daily life and relationships are for me. 

Cut to this whole "situation" (huge finger quotes) with Bruce. From the beginning of it, gave over all control to him, sure that he would bring about a speedy and fair outcome. Didn't happen. So I seized control in the form of a lawsuit. It was big seize for someone like me, especially in our relationship. If was a big seize for Bruce, so he retaliated. His retaliation seems to continue, but his weapon is paying spousal support. (Which, is stupid because I need it to move, and in fact, it was the whole reason I had to go to a lawyer in the first place. I turned over our savings to him, so he could pay me out of it, when I should have just taken the money and ran. So the longer he fails to pay, the longer I stay, and I'm not sure he gets this. But I digress...) 

2 weeks ago, I sent an email after I learned that he hadn't yet covered the $1k due to my lawyer on December 1, 2010, but had spent Christmas and New Year's in Detroit. What's more, the date for the remainder of the payout came and went, with no communication from him. I emailed him 2 weeks ago, but no response. Now... here's the old me in this relationship, I would let another week go by, and then I would formulate an email, and circulate it to my friends and family, weigh their responses and choose whether or not to send it.  But I read this horoscope (thanks Cainer) and decided that I need to do what I need to do. I'm not acting out of malice, and it's not rude to ask for clear communication. If fact, I'm being quite lenient. So, what am I so scared of- that he won't respond? That he'll hate me... more? Either way, I'm covered. So, why not take a little control here? 

For some of you readers, this is a no brainer and you long ago would have fired off a response to your lawyer. For me, this is two-three days worth of mental and emotional debate. And I'll prolly check my email several times today hoping for a prompt response, that I'm pretty sure won't happen. Anyway, here's the email that I won't send around to friends/ family/ lawyer. Ok- I did run it by Corina, and she approved.  Baby steps, right?

Bruce, 

I haven't heard a response to my email (sent 1/8/11) regarding lawyer's fees (due December 1, 2010). Nor have I seen a check for the remainder of the one-time payout, which you said to expect on January 9, 2010. If need be, I'm willing to look at the settlement as a guideline with some flexibility. I don't have a problem deviating from our settlement timeline within reason, but I need you to actively communicate with me. If this payment calendar appears impossible, I'm open to discussing a more suitable option without getting lawyers involved. 

I look forward to your response, and I need one by Tuesday morning. If I don't hear from you by then, I'll contact my lawyer.  

Jen 

____

So, what do you think? 

belief

Aries, Thursday, 13 January 2011
Daily, Yesterday, Weekly, Monthly, Year Ahead Video

The world is changing fast. Today's state-of-the-art device is tomorrow's car-boot-sale bargain. As with technology, so with fashion - and sadly, even with philosophy. What once was cutting edge is now blunt and dull. It seems, sometimes, that to survive on this fluid, fickle planet, we must be ready, at all times, to abandon every idea we once held dear. Yet some things don't change. You are seemingly under pressure now, to drop a deep belief. Don't. Not if your heart still sees the sense of it. That's one change too many! 

__________

I'm not sure what belief this could refer to- I edit, revise, rewrite, and somehow end up back at the first draft daily. So, I'll move on.... perhaps I'll find the connection glaringly in front of me as I type or after I turn off the computer. That's usually how it happens.

Yesterday, was a good day. Not because something massively changed, other than the hormonal release I desperately needed (I got my period). I woke up. I typed. I got ready. I went to work. I ate lunch. I drank coffee. I avoided an audition that I was truly not suited for (actually, a good idea). I came home. I walked the dogs. I ran errands. I visited a friend.  I walked the dogs again. I got ready for bed. I slept. 

In between though, somewhere during the morning, this positive energy crept in. Midday, that positive energy was met with more in the form of an email from the Syria producers, and I answered it with more positive energy. I cracked jokes. I did my hair. I came alive. I announced to Corina that I'm coming to LA. I said it out loud- this is what I'm doing universe. Regardless of Bruce's cooperation. In other words, I felt like every fiber of my being said: GAME ON.

Now, the kickstart of a journey isn't the difficult for me, it's the mid-point, the 3/4 point, etc. I lose steam quickly. It's part of my charm. And I feel like a ballplayer- I'm not changing my socks, because I want to bring the trophy home. The hair will get done just in case that's what changed me. The exercise will happen, just in case that's the catalyst. The coffee has been chosen (Blanchard's Breakfast), etc. I can't change the routine, because it worked. Except for the work part. I can change the hell out of that, and replace it with something far more meaningful (to me). 

I watched a few clips of myself yesterday in the email, and I wasn't too terribly pleased. But I understand my face better on camera. I understand what Michael Caine means more now that I have some distance and my own funk is clearning. I picked up his book again, and the words leapt up and met my own mental images and others' in ways they haven't. I'm thrilled for the weekend so I can sink in, record myself, and work his ideas out. 

Did I say I'm thrilled for the weekend? Cuz I am. 

To finish this fine morning, I do want to introduce a little moment that I need to repeat daily for awhile: 

  I'd like the thank the universe for all that I've learned over the past year. I'm grateful for everyone I've encountered, and the support of family and friends. I'm grateful for the opportunities to create coming my way. 

  I'd like the universe to take extra special care of Emily and her family. They've been through a lot, and they need your love and support as they heal.

  I'd like the universe to encourage Bruce follow through, live the life he wants without doing damage to those who love him. 

  I'd like the universe to provide confidence to Dusty and Tasha to find work that provides better income to their household and better peace of mind to their future. 

   I'd like the universe to realize Nancy's talent in the form of a film or television role, and for Nancy to have the confidence and spirit  to embrace it. 

   I'd like the universe to help Corina find a loving partner, someone who treats her well and shares her love of travel and exploration. 

    I'd like the universe to bring my parents together, and relieve them of their need to control the other. 

Hormones are like ruffies.

Aries, January 12, 2010: Here comes a chance to change direction. Every so often we all reach a point where we can, if we choose, pick a new path. Wisdom, at least in part, is the ability to know when such a possibility truly exists and to recognise when it is simply futile and counterproductive to keep dreaming of alternative options. For the time being, you are a passenger in a moving vehicle. Read the map by all means, but honour a situation as it currently stands, until you are in a position to do something else. That moment is coming soon. 


__


Ok, so I've been a little out of it for a few reasons, but I'll backpost those horoscopes if I feel it's necessary. Most have revolved around the same issue- decisions, new path, etc., and there' s only so much I can reflect on that. I've picked it: I'm moving to LA (see previous post on decision). Nance is right: it's a new start. It feels right. I want to work on TV and film, and I want to live on a coast near a beach. I blurted out at coffee with my Dad: I'll give myself 3 years. He seemed to like that number. I have no idea why I blurted that out. I said if I don't feel satisfied with my work there in 3 years, then I'll leave. I think he translated that to mean I'll come back here, and who knows- maybe I will? After I left in 1999, I didn't think I would move back, but security lured me back. 


I've been really up and down the last few days. I know it's hormonal (I'm due to get my period this weekend), but this is pretty extreme. The words "control" and "care" are sticking out to me, and I tend to think of this time as taking control of my life, my wants, and my needs. If I'm going to do this, I have to start with my body. I'm just that kind of person. I don't feel good overweight. I don't feel good sitting down, and I can't focus if I eat crap. I think I'm pretty good at taking control of my food (although I'm not mastering protein these days), and my exercise; but hormones tend to get the best of me.  Last night, I was laying in bed ready to cry. The night before, I tossed and turned for the better part of the night. During the day, I feel listless one minute, ready to take on the world the next. I signed up to audition for a woman that can shoot a basketball. Me! My thought pattern went like this: c'mon Jen, you never know, they say at min. she must be able to shoot the ball. You can do that. Go by a basketball and practice!!!
Then I get home, look at the ball and become an anxious mess at the thought of going to this audition and embarrassing myself. Overcome with despair at my crappy decision making skills, I lay down on the couch and drift off to sleep. (I was operating on 2 hours sleep, mind you, but still...)  Today- the clean-up. I have to email my beloved casting director and fake an illness or a personal emergency or something of the like, and I hate lying to colleagues about fake illnesses. I hate it! I fear it will come back to me tenfold. (As in, a husband lying to me... it may be magical thinking, but still...)  But what's worse, if I go, claiming I can shoot a hoop (they are holding the audition on a basketball court), and given my skillset (none), I predict I will look foolish, thereby making the casting director look foolish?


These are the predicaments I get myself into under the influence of PMS. The anxiety they cause far outweighs the actual entrance and exit. Every month. Without fail. Here it comes and yet, I fall under the influence. It's like my hormones have some sort of ruffie-like hold on me. But no more! It's time to take back control.  I'm not sure how yet, but I'm going to find a way, and when I do....


Actually, I already feel better. See!! I knew the answer all along. 


Over the last few days, I've been trying to set a morning routine. My dog behaviorist (yes, I hired one for a day because I'm taking control of my dogs' behavior issues.) suggested moving the long walk to the morning slot. She wants me to walk them right when I get up, because they will be super hungry and therefore ready to please me and therefore more willing to walk without pulling on the leash. But it's been too awfully cold at that hour, and my neighborhood is still a little alive at 6am in the dark. So, I'm moving it to 7:15am. 45 minutes is a good long walk, right? I'd like to get them some off leash time, so I think I will take them to a park tomorrow, once the icy streets thaw (we got some winter mix yesterday). Which means, I move my exercise routine to evening (and I like for now.), but I still feel like I need something in the morning. Perhaps meditation, a wee bit of yoga, a prayer session?


Now, that I've solved writing for hormones, I need to find a morning transition. 


Oh yes, 2011 is all about problem-solving and taking control. Body, environment, pets, men= I am here to work with you, not for you or against you.  You hear that?  With you... and that means you work with me.   


Hello?

Being decisive.

Aries. January 7, 2011


If you don't like a situation, why don't you do something about it? By this, I don't mean register a protest or lodge a complaint, I mean, what's to stop you taking concerted action, formulating a positive plan and then seeing it through to fruition? Don't persuade yourself that there is a limit to your power or decide that there is no point in even trying. If you can find a little faith in yourself this weekend, you will discover that you can change much more than, once, you might have thought possible. It is just a question of being decisive. 


HA! Ok. Cainer +1, again! Yesterday seemed to revolve around just this: being decisive. Over the last few months, I've had a tendency to blame my inhibitions on the pets, on feeling guilt over moving away from my parents, on Bruce, on the weather, on the job market, etc. etc. And then, when I talked with my parents last night, and they logged each one of these issues as reasons why I shouldn't move- I fought back. I had a retort for each- as if they somehow represented all my fears and I was the fear slayer. (and maybe they do, but we'll leave that psychobabble for another day.) 


I decided to dedicate this weekend to investigation. And by the end of the night I felt like I decided to buy back a few months in a sublet locally, to allow myself time to plan, act, take a trip and pack up. These decisions felt good. 

Go.

ARIES Thursday, January 6, 2011


Popularity doesn't automatically equate to wealth or success. Whilst it is easier to get help if people like you, this won't make everything go your way. And being popular is only enjoyable if it attracts the right kind of admirers. You don't want to draw a whole bunch of dull people into your life. There. Have I managed to talk you out of the idea now? Have we discussed enough of the drawbacks and downsides? The fact is: you are now exuding a kind of magnetic charisma. It is not the answer to everything - but it is still pretty good. 


huh. Well, here's my personal debate going on right now: Do I stay here in VA for a while longer? Do I move back to Chicago or do I make the move to LA? In all three locations, I wouldn't say there are anymore or less dull people- I mean, who am I to judge? But I am looking for projects that are different than what I've seen here. So, I think Cainer's horoscope feels quite relevant today, and and I like that he's pushing me to look elsewhere. And really, I won't be happy unless I do. 


Moreso, I know with enough work and effort, I could make myself a big fish in a small pond. I'm loud. I take over. I make a scene. But I don't want to do that. Worse, I don't see a way to make a living doing that here in VA. Granted, I may not in a larger market, either, but my chances of achieving it increase exponentially. I'd rather just work as an actor/ creative and have the opportunity to work a lot. 


Ok- so expert consulted, and apparently, my large inner conflict can be reduced down to one question. That's.... tidy. Now, where do I go, to Chicago or LA?


Cainer +1 

It's time to consult the experts.

So, this is it. The divorce is almost final, and I have a March 1 deadline to vacate the house. I've put off making a decision for 6 months now, while I coped with the roller coaster heartbreak, and even if I still want to dedicate time to that, I have to make a move.

Here's the problem: I feel absolutely immobile. I'm sure this is a result of depression, less some sort of degenerative disease or obstinence over letting go of what was supposed to be our home- my home- for the next 5 years. Moreso, I think it's a result of never feeling quite flush financially and not being absolutely sure how to chart a course. I'm a rather impulsive person, and at 34, I don't feel like that impulsivity has served me well. I mean, I'm divorced, I still work a dayjob in another field, and the only money in my savings account is what I've gotten out of the divorce, which is barely enough to move.

I think it's time for a change.

I decided I need a guide, some sort of higher guidance into this next 34 years. God and I have a ongoing discussion, and I intend to listen to God a lot over the next year through meditation. I also intend to star-watch. It's a little past-time of mine, checking the stars. And by stars, I mean celestial groupings interpreted by astrologers. Not astronomers. I read the paper for the horoscopes, kids. But, I often forget my horoscope somewhere during the day, and I think it's time to hold these celestial spies accountable.

This blog is dedicated to examining a year's worth of horoscopes, comparing them to my actual day, and thereby judging their effectiveness (not accuracy, mind you, but effectiveness). I'm sure I'll throw in extras, tidbits of wisdom espoused by philosophers, friends, family and hopefully, strangers. I'm taking advice from everyone, filtering it through writing and discussion, and using it to inform my decision making process.

So, stay tuned, and find out: Are horoscopes a worthy guide for daily decision making?

I will use Jonathan Cainer (www.cainer.com) as my astrologer guide. He's highly revered, thorough, easy-to-access and even better, he's funny. If you, dear readers- all one of you- want to recommend anyone else, don't. Not right now. I'm easily distracted and quite anxious. I just want to focus on one astrologer this year. (Don't I? Yes, of course. But wait....See. See what you did there?)

Let's get started.