Sublet serenity

Monday, February 7, 2011, Aries
You deserve to be happy. You haven't done anything bad or wrong. Or even if you have, has it really been that bad? And that wrong? If you have been justly sentenced to a life of misery, surely you'd remember the hearing and the verdict. If you sentenced yourself, it's not valid. You're far too subjective to be your own judge and jury. If you received the punishment in a previous life, how come you don't remember? That's totally unfair. So. I repeat. You deserve to be happy. And events, this week, will bring you happiness. 


_______________________________


Aw, shucks. Why thanks, Cainer. 


So, last night I went to visit my parents. My mom emailed me earlier in the day to say she wanted to see me sometime this week. I had a feeling it was about the pending move- which as it turns out- should not be as complicated as I've been feeling like it will be. (Famous last words, right? Well, I don't know if they would be famous or last words, that's depressing if those are my last words. Nevermind.)  So, we planned for Tuesday, but then I thought it might be a good idea to go over and tackle it now. She kept saying she knows that I value my independence (and I do), and gas will be so expensive (and it will) should I live with them. But I knew what she really meant was that she didn't see this being a good idea, that she doesn't want their space invaded, their scheduled detoured for an unset amount of time. And honestly, I think she's still worried about the cat. The cat likes to pick furniture, climb walls, and generally reek havoc on anyone in her path. I find her charming, but we've already established I tolerate really bad behavior for far too long. 


I heard her anxiety, and realized that I value my independence, too, that I am worried about the cat, too, and that I still haven't set the due date for this departure, which causes me anxiety, too. Over dinner, I watched my parents bicker, and I couldn't stand it. I feel caught between them, having to choose sides, like when I was a kid. What's more, add a third dog to the mix, and the entourage becomes a pack, and I sense that we'd all be sleeping a lot less. So, I opened myself back up to the idea of a sublet. My mom put out the offer to help subsidize minor expenses until spousal support arrives. I couldn't really shun it. I contacted a few places, but I'm hoping the place with the small yard can come through with cheaper rent. It's right by Erik and Tom, and frankly, it has a yard. Although there's a place on Kensington that seems pretty cute, too. 


I feel sort of dirty accepting my parents' financial help yet again in life. But I'll play them back, and more than that, I know it's an investment in their peace of mind, and in turn, an investment in my own. I've been way too excited about spending money on clothes, and while that won't go away, I need to rein it in. Plus, living on my own allows me to the space to work on any film projects locally, exercise at my own schedule (hello! running at 10pm IS fun), and have space to think and plot my next move. July may be the hottest month of the year, but it feels like the best time to go. I hope to have enough saved up by then to be able to move without sweating too many small details. That gives me time to sell the car, travel back and forth to LA, maybe more than once, and the financial freedom to travel. Plus, is Speilberg does come in with Lincoln, well, here I am, just in case he needs another servant in waiting or better yet, a Mary Todd Lincoln, or better yet, some other woman who is not Mary Todd Lincoln but just as conflicted and interesting.  Just saying....

Aries, Friday, 4 February 2011: We've talked, this week, about yoghurt and telephones. Today, let's discuss handshakes. Remember the complicated one which slid down to a finger grip followed by a strange twisting of the thumbs? Or the 'hi- five' that once was strictly for American teenagers, and which recently, I watched pensioners exchange? If you work in a medical facility, where hygiene is a priority, handshakes are frowned on. Watch, this weekend, for the possibility of causing offence without intention. Be forgiving... and the favour may be returned! ____________ Always good advice, Cainer, but does a simple piece of advice like this really make a horoscope. And what, pray tell, is in the planetary alignment that allows you to see me causing offense this weekend? Do you see the future? Or just a planetary mix that lets you know I'm agitated and less likely to edit? I have a big weekend ahead.. And none if it contains time to plan for a move or a trip to LA. I've managed to overbook myself. I have lots of time with Emily- great! And luckily, the weather got me out of the walking workshop so I didn't have to clarify that (I never committed, but still)- great! But I still have a hair apt today, an audition today (for which I'm not really prepared), shopping with em. And tomorrow, I have to finish memorizing the other student film, practice swimming with Daniela and birthday dinner with Emily and her family. I'd like to have the donors completely memorized by Sunday evening, so I can run it Monday over and over and over. This is a tall order, as my memory isn't what it used to be. I have to work a wee bit harder these days. Here's what I feel guilty about: no time with Granny, which I had hoped I would have. I need to call her today. Maybe I can stop in and visit her after I drop off Emily, depending on how long we're out. Although, Granny isn't much for drop-ins. hmmmmmm....... I wish I didn't have to work such regular hours for so long each week. It eats up the time away from things I'd much rather be doing. I mean, everyone could say that, but I mean other work, other progress. And I never factor in fatigue. Last night, I had thought I would work on the scrip, but after I ran, I was just so tired. I slept wretchedly this week, and it caught up with me quickly and fiercely. And now, for instance, I need to clean out my head, but I also need to exercise before my hair apointment, and worse, I need to run through my audition atleast 10 times before I walk in there. GAH! This is why I have such a high level of anxiety, isnt it? Time management is difficult for me. I look at the clock, but I fail to see the hand moving until it arrives at its destination. Shit... look at it tick. I gotta run.

not so odd ideas

Aries, February 2, 2011
When I was a child, yoghurt was almost unheard of. I remember my friends and me turning up our noses when we first came across it. 'Gone-off' milk with the consistency of cold custard? No thanks! At first, only the health fanatics ate this strange delicacy. Gradually, it increased in popularity. The international yoghurt market must today be worth billions. In your world now an odd idea is beginning to seem less peculiar and more acceptable. Remain open-minded. There's more value to it than you might imagine. 
_______________


Odd idea.... more acceptable... huh. Odd idea.... more acceptable.... 


huh.


Could it be to leave for LA stat? Could it be to stay in Richmond for another few months? Could it be to abandon the idea of an office job, work retail and food service? Could it be to go back to school for... acting? No, that seems inane: rack of debt and come out with the same chances as anyone else? No thanks. Yes, I get to hide in a comfortable womb and train train train- absolutely delightful! But he debt part, that scares the shit out of me. I can't take that kind of gamble... or can i?


Lately the office air, the office lights, the lack of windows, the office sounds have been driving a drill into my brain and sucking away my life energy. Sucking it. I don't know if I have a little seasonal affective disorder, what with the lack of Vitamin D- oops hold! Got to get some!


Ok back. (I figured why wait to remedy this, and by the time I'm done here, I would forget it anyway. )


So, the office, and the sucking of my soul... Here's the other major problem- the lack of movement. I don't move enough. It's so sedentary. So, I've been thinking, if I'm going to work a dayjob anyway, why not work something where I'm atleast moving more. And of course, retail work popped into my head. And then I thought, well, I love healthy food, talking about healthy food and good ingredients, why not work at Whole Foods? Yes, it's corporate. Yes, it's run by a right-wing asshole. But it pays better than most healthy grocery stores, and offers benefits, so I wouldn't have to get that separately. Plus, I can buy my pets' foods at a discount (30% if I keep my BMI low, no, really, they discriminate against those with higher BMIs). It's the compensation that concerns me, but I'll have Bruce's spousal support for a wee bit to help float me... wait, nope. Scratch that. The payscale is $10 per hour. $13 per hour for a customer service supervisor. I would be making $500 or less per week. It would take 2 weeks to make my rent... yeah, no. 


I wonder if they have any office positions available?


See the cycle here? Do you SEEEE it? It's vicious. Why does it have to be vicious? Why can't I like my dayjob? When people ask me if I like it, I talk about all the things that are really quite fine about it: good people, easy pace, good work, etc. But honestly, clocking in daily to any office job just feels like I'm carrying out someone else's plan for me. It doesn't feel like something I created for myself. The fit is awkward, although I'm an actor, and people say I wear it well. But I know. I can see the sloping hemline and short sleeves and I can feel the choking collar. This role belongs to someone else. I'm just their stand-in until they feel better.


Cainer references odd ideas, but these aren't odd ideas. Maybe, I'm not thinking oddly enough. Maybe I should poll the greater world.. no, I've drained those resources. Nobody wants to hear me bitch and moan or ask for direction. This is mine. I have to do it. 


So, what do I do? These are my options, right? Crappy dayjob #1= office (benefits, chance of better pay; sedentary, boring, draining); Crappy dayjob #2- retail/ restaurant/ hotel work (more flexible hours, active, social; impossibly low wages, precarious, irregular); or Return to school- (focused training with others, hone my craft, confidence; debt, low- no pay, putting off chances at paid work).  


I guess option #1. AAAAAAaaaaagain. Again. That can't be right. Again. This can't be the odd idea that he references. It's not odd- it's practical, it's already in place, it's hopelessly boring. It's... all I've got?


Ugh. I suppose I should hire that resume service. 


I've also been tossing over making the migration with my Dad as my driving companion. He's bossy, and while it sounds like a great idea to see the states, I'm not sure that his body wants him to spend 5 days in a car. I keep envisioning him yelling at me while driving, or insisting on driving to the point where he gets angry, or insisting on paying for gas or food or hotels the entire time (which to most people would be a bonus, but I see it as yet another way for my parents to keep me dependent on them). At the same time, it is my Dad and I love him and it could be a great opportunity to bond. I could use the help with the animals. He likes the animals. If the car breaks down, I wouldn't mind having a second person, particularly a knowledgeable person, there to provide guidance or make sure I'm not being fooled. And then there's the whole might pay for gas, food or hotels thing, which feels dirty, but might come in handy. 


For the first time last night, I thought of taking Emily. She's in hell, having a hard time climbing out of it, and could use some different sights. But traveling has made her anxious before, and I tend to wonder if she would back out at the last minute due to panic attacks. 


I need to make some decisions. My Saturday opened up thank goodness, and I intend to take advantage of this weekend. I have to- this is all 3 weeks away. I let the hot water heater distract me, and I think I've defended this territory for the last time. It's time to abandon Fort Divorce. If only my troops had opposable thumbs....

Magic carpet ride

Aries, February 1, 2011
Some grey days are wonderful. Some bright days are sad. Though we all have a preference for a particular weather pattern or temperature range, we can't automatically assume that things will go the way we want them to just because the external circumstances seem favourable. You suspect you have recently seen an inauspicious omen. Even if you have heard a discouraging word, and even if your skies are cloudy and grey, a positive development may be much closer to home than you realise. 


_________


Oh Cainer, you tease. I think I see an inauspicious omen in my grilled cheese sandwich, in the formation of the birds in the sky, in my outfit choice, in the lines on my face...Call me- Jen Hines, Queen of Possibly Pending Doom. I inherited the tendency to see the glass not just half full, but likely doomed to only be half full, because seriously? someone fills the glass? with what? water? Do you know what scarce supply there is, and furthermore, do you know what's in that water? If that glass is full, then it's because you're imagining it so. Not me, though- I'm a realist who doesn't like to be surprised by negativity, so I project the worst situation before it rides in with the other 3 horsemen. 


And mind you- it was Cainer just a few days ago, maybe just a day ago, talking about the financial delay ahead. So, Cainer, get your stuff straight. I have yet to work on my resume. For the last two days at work have sucked me dry- literally. I feel so massively dehydrated there. I'm pretty sure that building is disgustingly toxic. Now that the ceiling caved in over the bathroom and soaked the carpet with what I believe to be unclean "water", I see more blemishes than ever in that mold trap. For the last two days, I arrive, sit down and proceed to stare at my computer. I enter stuff, I help people, but it's all at a snail's pace. I have several very expensive electronic devices to enter into the system, and yet, there they sit. Pushed to the back of the line for another week, as I do less complicated things, push other tasks to the front. It's shameful. 


And yet, no resume. 


My friend, Eva, hired a resume service. It sounds like a great idea! But it's $160 and here's the thing: I don't really want a dayjob. I mean, I want a paycheck, but I don't really want a dayjob. So, why invest $160 in a resume service, if I don't really want a dayjob. Readers, let me separate something for you. There are jobs (meaningful work) and then there are dayjobs (jobs one has to have to pay the bills, whilst doing the lower-paying/ non-paying meaningful work). I want a job. Not a dayjob. I would wait tables, if I thought that could pay me the kind of money that would allow me to live alone and better yet, work a set schedule. So, I work an office job. It's predictable, it has insurance, benefits, and I don't come home smelling like dishwater and burger. And sometimes, I think I've made a crappier choice. 


I also haven't finished memorizing my lines. I started, then got distracted, as I do, and decided to turn back on the hot water. Erik said it would be easy- just follow the directions. So, I did, but I got nervous messing with gas, and I couldn't see the pilot light based on the positioning of the hot water tank, so, directions schirections, I made a mess of the situation. I'm pretty sure we got high on gas for a bit. I felt woozy, but that could have been anxiety working its way through my veins. The whole situation took an hour, and due to my overall sense of doom, I was sure the house was about to blow for about an hour. Yet I didn't leave it. Make sense of that Freud, I dare you!


So, I read the scene a few times through, to get a sense of it, but I'm tonight the script and I need to be best buddies. 


Egads, I indulged in fake cheese (soy cheese) for the last several days, and my allergies are disgusting. Lesson learned... again. This is the problem with ADHD. I accidentally bought the fake cheese when I bought the ingredients for a bean dip. And I was too lazy to take it back to the store, so I ate it. Seemed logical at the time. And tasty. Tasty logic. Anyway, here I am feeling bloated, mucousy and generally disgusting. But I have a spinach shake at work----- so all will be well shortly. 


Bruce has been surprisingly consistent over the last 2 weeks. I wish the water tank thing hadn't happened, but atleast he's been responsive. He doubts me and I hope he doesn't think I'm just trying to regain his attention or inconvenience him. I thought he might since he's indicated that he thinks I'm making a mountain out of this molehill. Hot water heaters are no joke, and I've heard too many horror stories about floor replacing and giant expenses resulting from these beasts, so I was trying to save my own ass here. I am supposed to return the house as it was when he left it. Not noticing the floor warping would qualify as breaking contract. But if thinking this is some sort of manipulation keeps him warm at night, then that's more of a wall than I can crack with logic. 


Ok, back to the resume thing, I haven't worked on it all, and yet, I have this feeling like some sort of magic carpet or safety net is going to descend from the sky with my name on it, ready to whisk me away to my next life. Magical thinking or intuition? Cainer seems to think it's possible, so why not?

Frog-marching

Monday, January 31, 2011, Aries:
Nobody is actually frog-marching you up the road. Your arms are not tied behind your back. It just seems that way. You are keenly conscious of an obligation that you cannot escape or a task that it seems vital to complete as quickly and as fully as possible. I am not trying to suggest that this is irrelevant, but if you want to do as well as possible, you will approach your situation from a position of trust and relaxation, not a mood of anger or anxiety. Your judgement needs to be clear and sharp this week.
____

You know, sometimes I wish I hadn't framed this blog with horoscopes and had instead left it open. I truly use it as a space for morning pages- a sort of cleaning out of thoughts, a free-form, rambling to clear out the morning fog. Morning pages are an idea from the author of The Artist Way, a program that I have started and abandoned probably 10 times. It's not that I don't like it, rather, I just don't stay interested. In myself. Or the activities I dream up for myself. It's really that simple. Even when I pick it up again, I doubt my commitment to it. And when doubt seeps in...

So, the hot water heater was leaking this weekend, and this caused quite a bit of anxiety because I wasn't sure who should actually take care of the issue. I feel an obligation to contribute to the solution, and yet, when I tell people, they look at me cross-eyed and basically tell me I need to grow a backbone. To quote Corina: I'm too understanding with a person who doesn't deserve it. I realize their anger, but I have been living here rent free for a few months now, and I have received the one-time payout. Anyway, all that anxiety over who should cover repairs may be moot, because Bruce said he came by yesterday, turned the hot water heater back on, and didn't notice any leaks. There is a huge water ring under the tank, but he didn't notice it, so oh well. I'll turn it back on tonight and wait and see, I guess.

I went to take a shower at my parents' house last night because three days without a shower was just more than I could take. I could smell myself, and I'm breaking out. I was hesitant and I drug it out, hoping the ambition to do it at the gym would strike. Sadly, no and then and I remembered that the water pressure there is pretty awful. I craved firehose pressure, something to blast off three days of gook that a washcloth couldn't. It felt great, I felt renewed, and slept like a baby as a result.

I think the lack of hot water also contributed to my rotten mood yesterday. I couldn't take noise. I couldn't take voices, and I couldn't take light. The two beers the night before might have also added to that, as did the lack of sleep. Ok. So- maybe the grime was the light contributor- but still.

I have lots of lines to memorize tonight. Lines, scene arc, scene business, etc. Tonight. You hear that self: tonight. We rehearse Thursday. I'm glad the scenes with the kid are the first rehearsal. I hope I woo her. I hope she likes me, so we don't have to build too much into the scene. I'm more scared of the scenes with the doctor. The doctors they had auditioning weren't menacing enough, and the scene is long a little one-note as it's written. Not terribly so, I just see the decision being made early on, so it goes on a bit longer than necessary.

I've signed up for a tri-atholon. Rather, I've committed to doing it. It's on my birthday, so it feels rather symbolic. Daniela was going to do it with Dan and I, but it costs more than she can spare. I'm sad she can't, because she's willing to help me train, but she said she'll come to cheer us on. She's so sweet, and such a multi-tasker. I don't know how she squeezes everything in. Anyway, my exercise had moved indoors for the winter, but with an outdoor run coming up, I took back to the streets. It feels good. I crave that time outdoors, moving, despite cold or shitty weather. I need it at the end of my day. It's a baby tri- a good starting point, and totally do-able without a helluva of alot of training. I think I'll treat myself to some new sneaks- once this hot water tank thing is resolved.

Ok- so back to Cainer- the man, the inspiration. You're right, Cainer, nobody is frog-marching my up the road. And I do feel rushed, which isn't helping, because I certainly haven't made my moving plans yet. So, yes, trust and relaxation, a good mantra- I think I'll use it.

Incidentally, do frogs march? I need to find out the etymology on that hyphenated verbal action. 

listen.

Your February Monthly Forecast: Money is coming into your life but as soon as it gets there, it is taking one brief look at you and saying, 'see you later'. It is not that you are spending wildly or making poor choices, it is more that there are bills you never budgeted for and needs you weren't expecting. In February, your love life is also due to be full of surprises, some of which are a little tense or dramatic. In a strange way, you thrive on having so much to deal with, complain about - or strive to set straight. So you had best enjoy the upheaval whilst you can because soon you will commence a more prosperous, stable, emotionally comforting era. 


Your Week Ahead - Love Focus: Are we all like prisoners, yearning to escape? Or do most of us simply aspire to make our cells a little more comfortable? How much change do you now want to see? What do you have to do to bring this about? You can make a dramatic, decisive move from which there is no going back. Or you can make a set of smaller, more subtle adjustments whilst keeping your most important options open. Perhaps the only thing that's making you feel trapped by a situation is the fact that you can't see a way out of it. If you could, you might find you were surprisingly happy to stay in it. 


___


This weekend I get a double dose of deliciousness from Cainer who posted the month-ahead a bit early. I love little surprises like this. At first, I thought it was an error, his webmaster jumped the gun or scheduled it wrong, but then I read his intro, and it seems he was eager to post February, too. Perhaps January blahs were weighing him down. 


Last month was all abut focusing- what to pay attention to and what to avoid. In January's monthly forecast he mentioned that I would learn some important details about an individual. I listened. I listened carefully all month. I realized my therapist is a bit prejudiced when it comes to divorce, as he's been through atleast one, and illustrated this through a few stories which he intended to show that men can simply be forgetful or lazy. I learned that my friend Eva struggles with defining herself as an actor and comedian because she spends more time toiling at a day-job than anything else. I learned that her budding love affair was actually doomed from the start because she's never willing to fully give herself over, creating a power struggle. I learned that my friend Scott wants loads of attention. From females. And uses his loft apartment to woo in women (women are suckers for a good nest, after all). I learned that Corina's mom set the tone for Corina's life by blaming Corina for getting cancer as a baby, and thereby making Corina struggle for and against her mother's approval. I understand more why people require their alone time, but struggle with balancing it against social time. I learned that Bruce and Shelley really haven't been in contact for the last few months. Not that it is of super importance, and certainly doesn't warrant a major amount of speculation, but it certainly gives me pause that he would let go of this friendship. I saw that Bruce doesn't work any harder to get me out of his life than to scratch my name out on his check. 


I also looked at more faces on the street this month, met more smiles and gazes and felt less afraid of being judged, of judging than I have over the last few years. 


And then today, I learned a big piece of news for my piece of mind: Geoffrey Rush developed panic attacks during his stage acting career, from what he believes, was general burnout. I teared up when he said it. I don't have his career certainly, but to hear another actor say it, and the debilitating effects of them written in his stare, I felt more peaceful with myself. I've heard other performers talk about them, but I respect him in a different way. I think he's one of the finest, and I want to be like him in many ways. To hear him talk about looking at the exit sign, losing his place, locking up, it felt like less of a hack. 


I've also listened and watched my dogs more. I'm more cognicent of my behavior with them. I'm working on being quieter, creating a more calm world with them. And yesterday marked a milestone- Olive, Bella and Kee all hung out with me, my friends Erik and Tom, and my parents. All of is in the same room. It required a lot of treats and some coaching from me. But we did it. The animals were pretty buzzed, and begged for lots of attention, which my animal- loving guests fought hard not to give.  After they left, I wondered if Olive's tentativeness was something I've made larger than it needed to be.  Much like the loneliness and self doubt that I spun around in as a result of the panic attacks. 


__________


February's forecast arrived the day I noticed the hot water heater was leaking. So, thanks Cainer. I'm nervous about what the plumber/ heating expert will diagnose and how to approach Bruce about repair costs. On the one hand, I feel like I should cover it because I have lived here for the last seven months almost rent free. On the other hand, I didn't back out of this very important social and legal contract in haste, then drag it out while I cheated on my spouse so she had to stay here for seven months rent free. Erik, Tom and my parents were quick to say Bruce will have to cover it. But I felt guilty. I'm hoping we can do a temporary fix until I get out of the house, Bruce gets settled back in and has some time to regain some financial ground. 


Given Cainer's right on financial picture painting, I'm wary of the love forecast. I really don't need any more distractions right now, and while I desire companionship, I know I'll let it sway my efforts or at the very minimum, I know i'll let my mind dedicate too much time to the drama. I want to leave Richmond and move to LA. I want to save money so I can leave Richmond, which means moving in with my parents for a bit (please not long for their sakes), not exactly a prime time to start anything. And really, this series of moves is all the drama I want and need. 

Twisted

Aries, Friday, January 28, 2011
People love to pass on information. They like to swap stories and share news. That's all harmless enough. Few of us would ever dream of deliberately embellishing a tale in order to make it more dramatic or interesting. Sadly, though, we all have a tendency to misinterpret what we hear or to read a moral into it. Nor do we all have an impeccable eye for detail. Be careful about what you say - and about how much you believe of what others say to you this weekend. Something that ought to be straight and simple is beginning to get twisted. 




___


Cainer, I'm changing your name to Cassandra. I don't believe you. Nobody is whispering anything in my ear. I don't feel like I've been privy to some amazing secret or piece of information juicy enough to warrant the kind of attention its receiving here in this horoscope. But then, maybe I'm on your plain, Cainer, maybe I've already written it off so fast, that I don't even remember it. Yeah, let's just go with that. 


Bruce dropped off the remainder of the one-time payout from the settlement (i.e. our savings). He hasn't gotten new checks yet, so the check still has my full married name in the address section. Except, he scratched it out. Yep. He drew a line through my name with blue marker. He also hid the check on the back of the mailbox, because he didn't put it in an envelope, so I initially couldn't find it. It felt like a cruel game, but I'm pretty sure it's just the result of his poor planning and lack of envelope. Whatever, it's here. 


It all feels so dirty- asking for money. It feels disgusting. When he emailed me to say he planned to drop it off, I cried. And then I thought of a few ways to destroy the check- which makes no sense other than I hate the dirty feeling this whole situation leaves behind. I wish I didn't have to ask for money. I wish I had the pocket change in-hand now, ready to go. Well, maybe not pocket change, dollars would be better. Or not, because then I would get to go to that change machine at Kroger for once. I'd take it in an enormous jug that I have to wheel in and need several baggers to help me hoist. And then I would get to listen to the counter for an hour. I love that sound- so satisfying. I might draw the wrong kind of attention, but it would be worth it to hear that sound.


Speaking of going- this weekend I have to plan the move because it's less than a month away. Thank you February for being shorter than other months. Actually- I have to plan move(s). Financially and otherwise.  I also have to do my resume. I cancelled brunch with Katherine and everything to work on this. I had to cancel because I can't spend money on brunch and travel right now, but I also prioritized my workload/ playload and that seemed the most flexible. Tonight, Em, Dan, Shannon, Danielya and I are going to a burlesque and variety show, for which we don't have tickets yet. Who stops ticket sales 3 days before the performance? So, we'll have to line up. And...Jason is supposed to meet up with us afterward. I hopeI hopeI hope we get in. It looks like fun, and I don't want another night of sitting in a bar staring at one anothers' faces, reviewing our lives. I'm drowning at the thought alone. I can't take it. Poor Em has been through so much, she deserves to laugh and cheer and see people dance and do wonderfully silly things.  And the rest of us need to laugh and cheer with her for our own reasons.  Adulthood is hard. Richmond- don't let me down here. Again. 


Tomorrow evening, I'm going to a fundraiser for a crew member from Syria, VA (the show, not the town) who needs a heart transplant. Let me just say that again- a heart transplant. He's 32,  a father of 2 and he needs a heart transplant. So, just in case I decide to put back on my blinders and descend into the depths of my despair and heartbreak, I hope I remember those who truly have a broken heart. 


Last night I auditioned for a student film that I actually like. It sets up a potentially interesting universe for a pilot for television, wherein the world is desolate and bleak and ravaged by disease, but there's one woman who sees a potential way out (my character- hurrah!!!). And guess what, readers? I got the part! I did! I have to take off 2 days of work, I don't get paid, I shoot an hour away, but- I get a copy and I think it will look good on my reel. And it's experience. Which I sorely need right now. I don't trust my acting ability because it sits on a shelf for weeks at a time gathering dust. When I do pull it down, I totally underestimate the time it requires for cleaning and prepping, and then I feel rushed and sloppy and hammy. 


Shit- I need to sent out my email/ letter for my reel. Shit. Add that to the moving list. 


Holy crap! Look at me wasting time! Ok- so here's the thing, me, readers, and anyone else looking over my shoulder. Whisperings, garblings, etc. will always enter the picture, but let's keep our eyes focused on the prize. Hear them, but don't lean into them. I have one goal and an amazing set of opportunities to get there. Onward and upward. 


And Cainer, thanks for the lesson in distraction. Now, can you get back to the real forecast?