Pleasingly close

Aries, Wednesday, 23 February 2011
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How well will things work out? Surprisingly well. How close will you get to the fulfilment of your dearest dream? Pleasingly close. How much do you now need to be worried about? Less than you think. Okay. Any other questions? Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. You make wise choices and then criticise yourself for ages afterwards. Things naturally start to move in the right direction - and you suddenly wonder if you should be heading for some different destination. Question less and accept more today.

__________________________

Well, thank you, Cainer. Thank you thank you. For what its worth, yesterdays forecast fit the day well. I thought it was going to be a big stinking deal when I emailed Bruce to inquire about the moving expenses check. Its demoralizing having to ask. I hate it. And at the same time, it's in the settlement. I think he knows I hate having to ask, and drags it out to see if I will. Regardless, I have it. It's here (still a check from our former account with my name crossed off- classy, right?). It's done. 

The more people ask about LA, the more I begin to freak out. What if I'm not good enough? What if I suddenly hate acting? What if I can't juggle the lifestyle very well? What if I am not able to support myself? The feeling creeps in when people see me taking boxes and want to know what my next steps are. Or when they flat out ask me. Or when I talk to my mother. Or when I wake up. Or when I drink water... you get the idea. 

But I should question less, and accept more today. So I will. Starting with packing. Soooo behind on it. Not that I have a ton to pack. And not that hanging out with Eva wasn't super important last night. I worried that I freaked her out with my meltdown the other night. Oh yeah, I had a meltdown the other night. The final decree arrived in the mail, declaring that Bruce is ABSOLUTELY DIVORCED from me. That's the language used in the decree. Which has a gold emblem on it. A gold fucking emblem representing the statesman proudly standing on the dead tyrant. Or as I assumed it translated: Bruce standing on me. Singlehood standing on marriage. Love dying under the weight of Bruce. Or under the weight of my issues. Or under the weight of his issues and my issues combined. Anyway you look at it- the gold emblem is nasty smack in my face. 

So, I received this decree, somewhat relieved for it all to be over. Then I told my parents about it. They got emotional. Then we had a heated conversation about chesterfield planning. Then my mom probed and prodded and poo-pooed LA. Then I came home and stared at the final decree again. Then I let it wreck me for a night. 

But I woke up the next day feeling a bit better, liked I mourned the loss and was ready to move on. And haven't looked back.

Living on the edge

Aries, Thursday, 17 February 2011
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When I was very small, my pals and I had a playground game. One of us would be appointed 'Wolf'. The rest of us would stand around saying, 'What's the time Mr Wolf?' 'Mr Wolf' would reply '5 o'clock' or '6 o'clock'. So we'd all ask again. Eventually, instead of answering with a specific time, 'Mr Wolf' would say 'Dinner time!' and we'd all have to run away before the wolf caught us to 'eat' us. It's worth remembering now that dangerous situations aren't always immediately dangerous. But if you keep rattling a cage... 

___________

So, this hasn't horoscope hasn't caused any level of panic, whatsoever. Nope, I'm absolutely cool as a cucumber. I mean, what danger do I possibly have in my life? The hot water heater has not been leaking at all. My car's check engine light has not been on for 2 weeks. My dog, Bella, does not lose her mind and weasel out of her harness at the sight of another dog. A stray cat has not been hopping the fence to hang out in our yard, so I do not have to worry about Kee getting into a fight. The threat of fire is not at a critical level in our region due to excessive dryness, and I do not notice excessive dryness in the house. I do not accidentally put my hands near my mouth after being out in public and before washing them. And I toooootally have all my lines memorized for this project. 

No worries. 

Right?

I found out last night that the director's first child is due any day now, and the mother is our make-up artist/ costumer/ PA. They are students at VCU, but emotionally more mature than I think I was at their age. Although, I really don't know their ages. I just assume they are of college age. They look it. So, kudos to them either way. This little project is literally racing a baby, and I still need to memorize lines. I'm such an asshole!

I took off yesterday to memorize lines, but decided cleaning, fixing my heinous closet, shopping for my character's shoes, and visiting with Em for a few hours more necessary. I didn't even exercise. See, readers, this is what ADHD does to your life. It wrecks it. I feel awful about myself now. Which isn't going to help me memorize any quicker!  Which totally makes me feel shakier about my performance (something I already feel intensely shaky about anyway)! So, I feel great about my dad coming to check on the pets and seeing the house. I can find clothes in my overstuffed closet. BUT I AM COMING UNDONE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE MY LINES MEMORIZED!!!!!!!!

Actually, calm down, me. I have the scenes we are doing today memorized. If we need to do the doctor's scenes, they would be tonight anyway, and I'd have time to work on them. (deep breath in and out). 

What's more the other areas are covered: water boiling for moisture; dogs cleared yard for kee; plan in place for bella; vitamin c taken; and the gauges on the car all indicate that it's fine + car could breakdown at anytime anyway, so that's why insurance plan was purchased. 

You know what doing all that stuff did: it re-calibrated me. By the end of the night last night, I felt great about myself, in charge of my life, in charge of performance. And memorizing alone won't do that. I have my scenes for today memorized. And if we want to shoot all of the scenes with the child, I have all of her scenes memorized (which I secretly wish they would do since now I know we are racing a baby). So there. Cage unrattled. 

right?

RIGHT?

How sturdy is that lock?

i should feel guilty, but i don't.

Aries, Wednesday, 16 February 2011
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We all know the story of the boy who cried 'Wolf'. He may have been wrong... but at least he became famous. Nobody is even remotely interested in the tale of the little boy or girl who didn't cry 'Wolf'. If they saw nothing to fear, if they just kept on playing happily, their childhoods went unnoticed. Those who seek drama in their lives soon learn that, if you keep on making enough fuss, sooner or later you'll create something to make a fuss about. Be wary now, of a situation that seems more important than it actually is. 

___

Missed yesterday due to technical issues here at home. I think my router was competing with my wireless on my phone, and the router wanted one last gasp before I turned it off.  Goodbye, extremely overpriced home router.

I want this next chapter to be a financially sound one. I'm tired of scraping by. I must exercise better financial impulse control over the next decade. I wish I knew more about investing and having my money make money. I'm really clueless about that. I've asked my father, but he really hasn't put the info out there. That's the thing about people who understand it, they aren't willing to share their knowledge. So the poor stay poor and the rich stay rich. 

Speaking of poor and rich, today Bruce is supposed to drop off $1k toward moving. I'm genuinely using it to move.  But that's because I spent way too much money on clothes and a pet behaviorist (but there's no price on the confidence she gave me, so... i wouldn't say I overspent.). Although, I wouldn't have to pay a pet behaviorist, if he hadn't left. So there. 

I'm playing hooky from work, again. I felt so cramped and overwhelmed and angry yesterday. I am thankful for my job, and sometimes I hit the mental and emotional place where I can't take it anymore. I was giving way too much attention to the tension created around Cheryl and her managerial tactics. And given that my weekend is going to be busy, chocked full of something I WANT to excel at, I thought it only best to give myself a mental and emotional break, clean the slate, so to speak. 

I should feel guilty about not going into work, but I don't. I did yesterday. I totally fretted over it, even though I had pretty much made up my mind and prepared the library accordingly. Here's what I'm tired of at work- bitchy older women. The program specialists are fine. Erik has mood swings, but his resilience is quick and funny. Cheryl and Ann, however, are just plain bitchy. Ann refuses to just accept that the library is not meant to be learned overnight, but common sense is the first step to understanding consumer requests. Cheryl just refuses to create a healthy atmosphere, understand her limitations and not spread her jealousy on others. I'm too smart for their bullshit, and it makes me tired. 

And thanks to Cainer, that's all I'll say about that. 

Emily and Duane talked last night. Emily wants to try to work through things. She says she misses him. I think her medication has re-calibrated her brain, and she realized that what she left is far more valuable and interesting and comfortable than what she has now. It's just a gut feeling, but I think she's sinking back into the familiar, because atleast it's familiar and unites her family. I hope Duane understands her needs and takes charge of his family for awhile. It's his turn. 

But then, that's asking a lot of Duane, who is stuck in a den of self pity right now. I know that den. I visited it for a few months there. It's dark, has old, musty shag carpeting, wood laminate walls, a single lightbulb to see by, some dude I don't know or care to know smoking weed in the corner, a gimp delivering tissues and wine. And I'm pretty sure everyone there is listening to a different soundtrack. Day and night merge into one, and the outside world seems like a cold, cruel place. I don't know exactly when I left, and I'm pretty sure I went back, but my time there has turned into a muddy memory. 

I'm nervous about filming this weekend. I want to do a really good job. I want this to mark a change in my work ethic, my approach, my energy to work. I want to be in charge of my performance, confident, calm, detailed, inspired. I am going to lunch with Em, just checking in and then the rest of the day and evening is dedicated to the scripts at hand, a wee bit of research on the styles of filming, and meditation. I can't run wildhaired into another project, unsure of what's happening and feeling insecure about my performance. It's just not worth it. 

Celibacy and marriage and flowers and other things I want from boys I don't like

Aries, Monday, 14 February 2011
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'The best portion of a good man's life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.' So said your fellow Aries, the poet William Wordsworth. I'm sure he meant a 'good woman' too... though back in his day, our clumsy language was even more clumsy. Make allowance, today, for language that could be easily misconstrued. Remember, too, that a few gentle gestures, reflecting true sincerity, are worth far more than a thousand dramatic and somewhat artificial expressions. 

___

Ahhh, sweet. Yes, I will remember this. Yesterday, I talked with Em. She misses Duane. I can't tell if she is just falling back into the marriage because it's the easiest route out of her current situation, or if she genuinely misses him. Either way, it's her life, but I hope Duane takes advantage of this and truly learns to value her. Before we hung up I told her she's a really good person. 

Yesterday, I met with the dog whisperer again. She gave me lots of good tips, like walking the dogs around the new neighborhood before even going inside our new apartment; or having them stay with me as I unpack each room; or taking one dog at a time to the dog park/ dog beach for more manageability. She said to circle the same block to or three times instead of covering a wide swath of  land initially, that getting them used to a block at a time is far easier. 

And then we discussed the idea of just taking Olive and Bella. I asked her what she thought the separation would do to the dogs, and she said she thought they would get over it easily. She said Olive is truly into having my attention, and Bella is truly into the attention of whoever is closest- person or dog or cat. Suddenly my world lightened up. It's not that I don't love her, I love her in crazy amounts, but just taking one dog and one cat is infinitely easier. My parents' dog loves her, too, and she loves living at my parents. I know it would take some convincing, but I think it's worth a shot. 

This morning I wondered if anyone would sent me flowers today: an absolutely crazy thought, I know!! And the thought that followed was about celibacy. My hormones are raging right now, and I know I shouldn't make any hasty decisions. I don't need any ties. I imagined a few guys that have passed through asking me on dates. All are great, but I'm not interested in anything long term with them. I even thought of Sallah- ha! I'm sure he's chomping at the bit to see me again! For the life of me, I can't figure out why that crept back up, because he really didn't do much to woo me. 

I know this is all just a bit of loneliness creeping in, like a last flail as I make the commitment. I do think I need to be celibate for awhile. I let sex kick off my last relationship and look where it ended up. I read that most people think we shouldn't have sex on the first date. I take it most people aren't walking out of a divorce. Regardless, I assume most people understand the art of the chase better I do. Moreso, it must be a successful strategy for them or else they wouldn't advocate it, right? But what if I don't want to be in a relationship, and I just want a little nookie here and there? Nope, nope, nope. Nookie becomes emotional and emotional will get in the way. In due time, self, in due time. 

So, the film has been set. Although, nobody contacted me. Filming is this Thursday- Sunday, and the role of the doctor in the Donors has been cast. It's Brian Wimer. Trying not to feel nervous about that. He's supposedly really good, and anyway, he's a director, so I'd like to impress. I'm diving in today, and living in the donors for a week. It's time to work- Hallelu!

making eyes with a cute waiter

Aries, Sunday, 13 February 2011
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Your Week Ahead - Love Focus: Pressure eases. Tension diminishes. Urgency reduces. Arguments subside. The tide of trouble ebbs further from your psychological shoreline. I'm suggesting that you are about to find yourself in a perfect situation. There will still be plenty that needs to be put right. You will feel, though, more able to take your time with it and less worried about what will happen if you are not successful. All this will contribute to an air of greater confidence, which in turn will add to your charm and magnetism. Find the right way to ask for what you need and people will find it very difficult to refuse your request.

________

Ok. I'll take this.  

Actually, I think I'm already feeling this sense of calm confidence, because I approached last night with a lot less anxiety than I normally would. So, yesterday I bowled with my friend Katherine. Her father was active and devoted member of the Chester Rotary and they throw an annual fundraiser in his honor. I mingled, I chatted, I played, all quite gleefully. When people asked what I was up to, I just talked about my job, acting work, or family. I didn't bring up Bruce, but- an here's the clencher- I didn't feel tense about NOT bringing up Bruce. 

Katherine and I had made plans to hang out after the tournament, but instead we latched onto Shelly and Mandy's evening, and decided to join them for dinner. Now, I know Mandy knows Kelly (Lisa's sister) well. Not sure how well, just well. So, I thought, this could be weird or tense should Shelly or Katherine bring up the pending divorce. Although, Katherine doesn't really know too much, just the basics, and she's not one to purposefully bring up tense topics. We made plans to go to Rockett's Landing with Shelly and immediately I got into my car and envisioned a few ways to get out of the plans. After all, it's Valentine's weekend, and that's a popular destination for couples--one that Lisa, Lee, Bruce and I visited a few times- so there was a likelihood we would run into a member of that crew. 

Also- and here's the clencher- I instantly felt like a member of the lonely hearts club. Mandy and Shelly are sort of lifetime singlers, and I think they are defiantly so. They often hang out with Katherine's mom, church members, and do lots of community oriented type events that don't involve couples. I honestly have no idea what their personal lives are like, I've just seen them through Katherine. So, here we are, four girls on Valentine's weekend, going to a romantic restaurant. Egads. As I drove away from the bowling alley, I began to think of a million potential excuses for getting out of these plans.

But the way deceit has wrecked my life, I hate lying. I hate it, even small white lies that could potentially ease the mind of the other people involved (I'm not sure Shelly was excited to spend her birthday with me, since she doesn't know me very well.) What's more, it's not like I have any actual plans, I don't know when I'll get to hang out with Katherine again, and who knows- it could be fun. So, I took a deep breath, committed myself to looking fabulous (just in case there were any single men present:) or we did see a member of the crew), and let go of the anxiety. 

(Although, I decided that if Bruce and Lisa were there, or Kelly was supposed to join Mandy (my God, this town is small), I would politely excuse myself, tell Katherine why I needed to leave, and supply her with a good excuse for my departure. After all, it is Shelly's birthday, and she doesn't need to witness that sort of interaction. I wasn't anxious about this, I actually felt good having a Plan B in this instance. )

And I realized, what's a meal out with some people I don't know other than a chance to get to know more people? This could be fun, why not just shut up my brain and go. 

At the end of the night, I was glad I went. I got an opportunity to look nice, made a good contact in Mandy (she seems to do everything and know everyone in town), and made eyes with a cute (albeit so young) waiter. I still felt like a member of the lonely hearts club, but after looking around the restaurant, I didn't feel the urge to dine romantically with anyone, took. I sort of liked not having to do that, actually. Bonus: this night gave me a way to gauge where I'm at in my healing process and feel ok about it. Readers, I think I felt confident. I think that was confidence. 

When I got home, I did replay a little bit of dialogue here and there, and I hope I wasn't too dominant in conversation or steered the conversation to more serious topics too much. I have a hard time keeping things light with Katherine, since I think of her more like a dear, amazing member of my family. We talk seriously a lot, which isn't a bad thing, but on someone's birthday, it can be a bit of a drag. But for the first time in a while, I realized, this is my city too. I scoped the restaurant, sure, before we went inside, but I didn't sweat it. Big difference in being mindful and being on alert. 

And anyway, scoping gave me more of an opportunity to make eyes with cute  (albeit, very young) waiter. 

Let's bring on the sparkle

Friday, February 11, 2011
There are tales about alien abduction involving spaceships that land, round up individuals for scientific experiment and then deposit them back on Earth. Following on from what we were saying yesterday, we can't really categorise those beings from another world as remote and stand-offish. Or can we? Perhaps they are taking those samples so that they can find out why the human race is so stupid, and then develop an antidote for this. Daft humans and aliens apart, you may yet have a weekend that is out of this world. 


Saturday, February 12, 2011- Week Ahead
How very odd the world is. There are surpluses in some places, shortages in others and I am not merely referring here, to matters of money, food or climate. Half the planet is deeply religious, the other half wildly irreverent. Half are apparently happy to be governed by an autocracy, the other half demand democracy. And often it seems that half of us are bored witless while the other half are scared. Now look at your own life. What have you got far too much of? What do you sorely lack? Surely a trade-off can occur? Of course it can. And this week, a very good swap can yet be made. 


______________________________________


So, the whole sublet plan fell through in one fell swoop yesterday. And I'm not sad about it at all, actually. It never truly made sense to me. I just didn't want to inconvenience my parents terribly. Basically all three places have breed restrictions, so the dogs couldn't come with. That's a deal breaker. We're a pack now, a slightly disfunctional pack, and I'm pretty sure they will eat me if I die. I hope my parents aren't freaking out terribly. They seem to be taking it well. And I know it's fate because instantly the whole Smartbox deal came through (I had been playing phone tag with them, and didn't have a clear concept how they wanted to work). What's more, Erik and Tom are available to help move, my mom came into a wee jackbot of boxes, and LA felt soo much closer. 


It felt so much closer. 


I told my parents I would do my best to keep it two months. It would be heavenly to move in May: good time of year, time for changes, spring's busting through. That way I get to move in before LA's hot summer settles in. Course, I'm talking like I'll have a job. A good job!


Yesterday, I opened a fortune cookie and it said to remember today three months from now. I can't tell if that's foreboding or not, but I read it and felt hopeful. So, let's just say it's positive. May 11, 2011: moving date? Actually, I just read it again: I know I read it and felt positive! It said Remember this date three months from now. Good things are in store for you." 


I felt awful for the three potential subletters. All three are anxious to make major moves. All three are in their early 20s and desire a different life, a different location, etc. One was obviously studying at VCU and decided to transfer back to Northern VA to pursue a different degree. One is an artist and musician, who obviously dislikes Richmond and feels desperate to get back to her beloved Austin, TX. One, a fashion lover (I felt a deep kinship with her quickly), who realized she wasn't going to graduate this year, and decided to pursue a relationship instead. I wanted to help all three, but I don't know anyone making a temporary move. I remember that desperation well in my 20s, the impatience, the fire. I used it to leave graduate school and run off to Chicago in a series of hastily made decisions, that I totally don't regret anymore. When I first moved back to Richmond, I had to face those decisions, but now, pssshaw, I'm done with regret of that sort.  Anyway, they reminded me of me, and for that reason, I felt even better about this decision to stay with my parents for a couple of months. 


That's just it: I shouldn't be saying "move back in", rather stay with them for a couple of months. Because my stuff will be in storage, ready to go. I just need some time to gather a few more $$ and potentially change cars, and prepare the animals, and search for a job, and an apartment, get headshots, tighten up my abs: you know, be completely mentally and physically ready to bring on the "new fabulous life" as Nancy likes to call it. 


And I will have tight abs, dammit. 


As for my week ahead, and weekend ahead, actually, I have lots to do and unfortunately, I'm not sure how much time I'll have to visit Granny or Em. I need to:


-memorize the remainder of donors (although waiting to hear back from Anne Chapman)
-run and weight train
-take the dogs on two big walks
-begin packing, planning what to take with and what to store
-meet with Jen, the dog whisperer
-Bowl for charity as a key member of Team Sparkle (and no, this is not a Twilight reference)


I hope I can get the memorization done, so then I can at least visit  with Em and Gran after work one day this week. C'mon weekend!

aliens

Aries, Wednesday, 9 February 2011 
Out in distant space, are there really planets where intelligent life- forms dwell? Perhaps. But, before we set about trying to prove this, we might be better off tracking down intelligent life on Earth. There is certainly not as much of it as there ought to be. You are now dealing with a silly situation. How has it come about? What lies behind it? What must be done to set it right? For the answers to these and other pressing questions, in your world now, you don't need rocket science, you just need just common sense. 


Aries, Thursday 10 February 2011
If aliens really do visit the Earth, how come so few of us ever meet them? Some say it is because they disguise themselves. But why would our visitors do that? Do they harbour secret, evil designs upon us Earthlings? Or do they, perhaps, just find us a trifle embarrassing? To them, we may seem gauche, gawky, arrogant and ignorant. When they are obliged to come to our world, they would rather not talk to us. You feel now as if you have come from a different planet, to a certain someone else. Try to humour them if you can. 


__


I'v been thinking about approaching this in a different way. Instead of looking at yesterday's horoscope, looking at today's. I had thought proving it right or wrong would be an excellent focus, a sort of cosmic gauge for my own actions and thoughts vs. what the universe may be telling me. And I still think of it in that way, I just really don't feel like proving it right or wrong. I mean, most of the time, I'm just rambling on to clear my head from the morning dust anyway. What's more, I feel like I'm challenging the stars to provide for me, and I don't want to do that. I would rather just use it as a jumping off point and move on- a metaphor for how I've long approached reading horoscopes. Sure, sometimes a sentence or two will sit with me for a while, but rarely do I remember my horoscope as I'm working or running or walking the dogs. 


So, let's play catch up. Yesterday's horoscope and today's are quite similar, so it seems like a good time to do so. 


Since Mom and Dad approached the idea of a sublet, I've jumped in full throttle. Only, there are just a wee few sublets at which to look. One is $600 per month, has lots of amenities, amazing security, but no windows and I would have to walk my dogs in a pretty industrial (i.e. scary @ night) part of town. The other is $715, has windows and a wee back balcony, but is on the 3rd floor (making moving hard) and doesn't have the luxuries of the first. It feels like an old boarding house converted to apartments. In both cases, I have to walk my dogs down a long hallway, potentially past other people and other dogs to get to the front door. Not ideal, since these guys are still learning to watch me (meaning, they don't yet). 


I ran the two options past my mom last night and she got really dramatic. She doesn't consider either an option, but bemoaned the close quarters of her own home and having too many animals in one space. She started asking me again about giving them up. I said it wasn't an option at this point: I love them and I don't know of a good enough situation and person that I trust enough to give my animals. She kept talking about my heavy burden, what a heavy burden they are, etc. etc. And how I shouldn't walk them at night, etc. etc. And how unsafe my neighborhood is, etc. etc. And how I'll never be able to do anything with this kind of burden, etc. etc. 


And it pissed me off. 


So, I lashed back at her, and boom- we were back to teenage/ college years relationship. Wherein, she continually bemoans my choices, I take it until I lash back, and then she turns it back on me to with something akin to: "Well, I'm sorry to frustrate you, but I was just trying to express my sympathy for your plight." or "I wasn't saying what you think I was, I was just trying to help you." 


Yes, sometimes she is an alien to me. And I'm sure vice versa. But if ever there was an indicator why I shouldn't move in with her, it was in that phone conversation. 


Honestly, I wish I could just go. I wish I could just pick up and go to LA right now. Unfortunately, I need to save a few more $$ and I need to do the whole car switch, and give work proper notice. And I'm just not ready yet. There I said it. I'm just not ready yet. I need a few more months. To gather, to assemble, to plan and plot and visit. To make sure that spousal support is coming. It's the responsible thing to do. 


I have one more option potentially on the table. But it's being guarded by a woman who doesn't communicate effectively over email. And hasn't yet provided her phone # or address. Sort of frustrating. Fingers crossed she does so today. Otherwise it's the old boarding house, and learning how to listen and sneak past other doors with two dogs. 


Should be a good learning experience, right? 

Sublet serenity

Monday, February 7, 2011, Aries
You deserve to be happy. You haven't done anything bad or wrong. Or even if you have, has it really been that bad? And that wrong? If you have been justly sentenced to a life of misery, surely you'd remember the hearing and the verdict. If you sentenced yourself, it's not valid. You're far too subjective to be your own judge and jury. If you received the punishment in a previous life, how come you don't remember? That's totally unfair. So. I repeat. You deserve to be happy. And events, this week, will bring you happiness. 


_______________________________


Aw, shucks. Why thanks, Cainer. 


So, last night I went to visit my parents. My mom emailed me earlier in the day to say she wanted to see me sometime this week. I had a feeling it was about the pending move- which as it turns out- should not be as complicated as I've been feeling like it will be. (Famous last words, right? Well, I don't know if they would be famous or last words, that's depressing if those are my last words. Nevermind.)  So, we planned for Tuesday, but then I thought it might be a good idea to go over and tackle it now. She kept saying she knows that I value my independence (and I do), and gas will be so expensive (and it will) should I live with them. But I knew what she really meant was that she didn't see this being a good idea, that she doesn't want their space invaded, their scheduled detoured for an unset amount of time. And honestly, I think she's still worried about the cat. The cat likes to pick furniture, climb walls, and generally reek havoc on anyone in her path. I find her charming, but we've already established I tolerate really bad behavior for far too long. 


I heard her anxiety, and realized that I value my independence, too, that I am worried about the cat, too, and that I still haven't set the due date for this departure, which causes me anxiety, too. Over dinner, I watched my parents bicker, and I couldn't stand it. I feel caught between them, having to choose sides, like when I was a kid. What's more, add a third dog to the mix, and the entourage becomes a pack, and I sense that we'd all be sleeping a lot less. So, I opened myself back up to the idea of a sublet. My mom put out the offer to help subsidize minor expenses until spousal support arrives. I couldn't really shun it. I contacted a few places, but I'm hoping the place with the small yard can come through with cheaper rent. It's right by Erik and Tom, and frankly, it has a yard. Although there's a place on Kensington that seems pretty cute, too. 


I feel sort of dirty accepting my parents' financial help yet again in life. But I'll play them back, and more than that, I know it's an investment in their peace of mind, and in turn, an investment in my own. I've been way too excited about spending money on clothes, and while that won't go away, I need to rein it in. Plus, living on my own allows me to the space to work on any film projects locally, exercise at my own schedule (hello! running at 10pm IS fun), and have space to think and plot my next move. July may be the hottest month of the year, but it feels like the best time to go. I hope to have enough saved up by then to be able to move without sweating too many small details. That gives me time to sell the car, travel back and forth to LA, maybe more than once, and the financial freedom to travel. Plus, is Speilberg does come in with Lincoln, well, here I am, just in case he needs another servant in waiting or better yet, a Mary Todd Lincoln, or better yet, some other woman who is not Mary Todd Lincoln but just as conflicted and interesting.  Just saying....

Aries, Friday, 4 February 2011: We've talked, this week, about yoghurt and telephones. Today, let's discuss handshakes. Remember the complicated one which slid down to a finger grip followed by a strange twisting of the thumbs? Or the 'hi- five' that once was strictly for American teenagers, and which recently, I watched pensioners exchange? If you work in a medical facility, where hygiene is a priority, handshakes are frowned on. Watch, this weekend, for the possibility of causing offence without intention. Be forgiving... and the favour may be returned! ____________ Always good advice, Cainer, but does a simple piece of advice like this really make a horoscope. And what, pray tell, is in the planetary alignment that allows you to see me causing offense this weekend? Do you see the future? Or just a planetary mix that lets you know I'm agitated and less likely to edit? I have a big weekend ahead.. And none if it contains time to plan for a move or a trip to LA. I've managed to overbook myself. I have lots of time with Emily- great! And luckily, the weather got me out of the walking workshop so I didn't have to clarify that (I never committed, but still)- great! But I still have a hair apt today, an audition today (for which I'm not really prepared), shopping with em. And tomorrow, I have to finish memorizing the other student film, practice swimming with Daniela and birthday dinner with Emily and her family. I'd like to have the donors completely memorized by Sunday evening, so I can run it Monday over and over and over. This is a tall order, as my memory isn't what it used to be. I have to work a wee bit harder these days. Here's what I feel guilty about: no time with Granny, which I had hoped I would have. I need to call her today. Maybe I can stop in and visit her after I drop off Emily, depending on how long we're out. Although, Granny isn't much for drop-ins. hmmmmmm....... I wish I didn't have to work such regular hours for so long each week. It eats up the time away from things I'd much rather be doing. I mean, everyone could say that, but I mean other work, other progress. And I never factor in fatigue. Last night, I had thought I would work on the scrip, but after I ran, I was just so tired. I slept wretchedly this week, and it caught up with me quickly and fiercely. And now, for instance, I need to clean out my head, but I also need to exercise before my hair apointment, and worse, I need to run through my audition atleast 10 times before I walk in there. GAH! This is why I have such a high level of anxiety, isnt it? Time management is difficult for me. I look at the clock, but I fail to see the hand moving until it arrives at its destination. Shit... look at it tick. I gotta run.

not so odd ideas

Aries, February 2, 2011
When I was a child, yoghurt was almost unheard of. I remember my friends and me turning up our noses when we first came across it. 'Gone-off' milk with the consistency of cold custard? No thanks! At first, only the health fanatics ate this strange delicacy. Gradually, it increased in popularity. The international yoghurt market must today be worth billions. In your world now an odd idea is beginning to seem less peculiar and more acceptable. Remain open-minded. There's more value to it than you might imagine. 
_______________


Odd idea.... more acceptable... huh. Odd idea.... more acceptable.... 


huh.


Could it be to leave for LA stat? Could it be to stay in Richmond for another few months? Could it be to abandon the idea of an office job, work retail and food service? Could it be to go back to school for... acting? No, that seems inane: rack of debt and come out with the same chances as anyone else? No thanks. Yes, I get to hide in a comfortable womb and train train train- absolutely delightful! But he debt part, that scares the shit out of me. I can't take that kind of gamble... or can i?


Lately the office air, the office lights, the lack of windows, the office sounds have been driving a drill into my brain and sucking away my life energy. Sucking it. I don't know if I have a little seasonal affective disorder, what with the lack of Vitamin D- oops hold! Got to get some!


Ok back. (I figured why wait to remedy this, and by the time I'm done here, I would forget it anyway. )


So, the office, and the sucking of my soul... Here's the other major problem- the lack of movement. I don't move enough. It's so sedentary. So, I've been thinking, if I'm going to work a dayjob anyway, why not work something where I'm atleast moving more. And of course, retail work popped into my head. And then I thought, well, I love healthy food, talking about healthy food and good ingredients, why not work at Whole Foods? Yes, it's corporate. Yes, it's run by a right-wing asshole. But it pays better than most healthy grocery stores, and offers benefits, so I wouldn't have to get that separately. Plus, I can buy my pets' foods at a discount (30% if I keep my BMI low, no, really, they discriminate against those with higher BMIs). It's the compensation that concerns me, but I'll have Bruce's spousal support for a wee bit to help float me... wait, nope. Scratch that. The payscale is $10 per hour. $13 per hour for a customer service supervisor. I would be making $500 or less per week. It would take 2 weeks to make my rent... yeah, no. 


I wonder if they have any office positions available?


See the cycle here? Do you SEEEE it? It's vicious. Why does it have to be vicious? Why can't I like my dayjob? When people ask me if I like it, I talk about all the things that are really quite fine about it: good people, easy pace, good work, etc. But honestly, clocking in daily to any office job just feels like I'm carrying out someone else's plan for me. It doesn't feel like something I created for myself. The fit is awkward, although I'm an actor, and people say I wear it well. But I know. I can see the sloping hemline and short sleeves and I can feel the choking collar. This role belongs to someone else. I'm just their stand-in until they feel better.


Cainer references odd ideas, but these aren't odd ideas. Maybe, I'm not thinking oddly enough. Maybe I should poll the greater world.. no, I've drained those resources. Nobody wants to hear me bitch and moan or ask for direction. This is mine. I have to do it. 


So, what do I do? These are my options, right? Crappy dayjob #1= office (benefits, chance of better pay; sedentary, boring, draining); Crappy dayjob #2- retail/ restaurant/ hotel work (more flexible hours, active, social; impossibly low wages, precarious, irregular); or Return to school- (focused training with others, hone my craft, confidence; debt, low- no pay, putting off chances at paid work).  


I guess option #1. AAAAAAaaaaagain. Again. That can't be right. Again. This can't be the odd idea that he references. It's not odd- it's practical, it's already in place, it's hopelessly boring. It's... all I've got?


Ugh. I suppose I should hire that resume service. 


I've also been tossing over making the migration with my Dad as my driving companion. He's bossy, and while it sounds like a great idea to see the states, I'm not sure that his body wants him to spend 5 days in a car. I keep envisioning him yelling at me while driving, or insisting on driving to the point where he gets angry, or insisting on paying for gas or food or hotels the entire time (which to most people would be a bonus, but I see it as yet another way for my parents to keep me dependent on them). At the same time, it is my Dad and I love him and it could be a great opportunity to bond. I could use the help with the animals. He likes the animals. If the car breaks down, I wouldn't mind having a second person, particularly a knowledgeable person, there to provide guidance or make sure I'm not being fooled. And then there's the whole might pay for gas, food or hotels thing, which feels dirty, but might come in handy. 


For the first time last night, I thought of taking Emily. She's in hell, having a hard time climbing out of it, and could use some different sights. But traveling has made her anxious before, and I tend to wonder if she would back out at the last minute due to panic attacks. 


I need to make some decisions. My Saturday opened up thank goodness, and I intend to take advantage of this weekend. I have to- this is all 3 weeks away. I let the hot water heater distract me, and I think I've defended this territory for the last time. It's time to abandon Fort Divorce. If only my troops had opposable thumbs....

Magic carpet ride

Aries, February 1, 2011
Some grey days are wonderful. Some bright days are sad. Though we all have a preference for a particular weather pattern or temperature range, we can't automatically assume that things will go the way we want them to just because the external circumstances seem favourable. You suspect you have recently seen an inauspicious omen. Even if you have heard a discouraging word, and even if your skies are cloudy and grey, a positive development may be much closer to home than you realise. 


_________


Oh Cainer, you tease. I think I see an inauspicious omen in my grilled cheese sandwich, in the formation of the birds in the sky, in my outfit choice, in the lines on my face...Call me- Jen Hines, Queen of Possibly Pending Doom. I inherited the tendency to see the glass not just half full, but likely doomed to only be half full, because seriously? someone fills the glass? with what? water? Do you know what scarce supply there is, and furthermore, do you know what's in that water? If that glass is full, then it's because you're imagining it so. Not me, though- I'm a realist who doesn't like to be surprised by negativity, so I project the worst situation before it rides in with the other 3 horsemen. 


And mind you- it was Cainer just a few days ago, maybe just a day ago, talking about the financial delay ahead. So, Cainer, get your stuff straight. I have yet to work on my resume. For the last two days at work have sucked me dry- literally. I feel so massively dehydrated there. I'm pretty sure that building is disgustingly toxic. Now that the ceiling caved in over the bathroom and soaked the carpet with what I believe to be unclean "water", I see more blemishes than ever in that mold trap. For the last two days, I arrive, sit down and proceed to stare at my computer. I enter stuff, I help people, but it's all at a snail's pace. I have several very expensive electronic devices to enter into the system, and yet, there they sit. Pushed to the back of the line for another week, as I do less complicated things, push other tasks to the front. It's shameful. 


And yet, no resume. 


My friend, Eva, hired a resume service. It sounds like a great idea! But it's $160 and here's the thing: I don't really want a dayjob. I mean, I want a paycheck, but I don't really want a dayjob. So, why invest $160 in a resume service, if I don't really want a dayjob. Readers, let me separate something for you. There are jobs (meaningful work) and then there are dayjobs (jobs one has to have to pay the bills, whilst doing the lower-paying/ non-paying meaningful work). I want a job. Not a dayjob. I would wait tables, if I thought that could pay me the kind of money that would allow me to live alone and better yet, work a set schedule. So, I work an office job. It's predictable, it has insurance, benefits, and I don't come home smelling like dishwater and burger. And sometimes, I think I've made a crappier choice. 


I also haven't finished memorizing my lines. I started, then got distracted, as I do, and decided to turn back on the hot water. Erik said it would be easy- just follow the directions. So, I did, but I got nervous messing with gas, and I couldn't see the pilot light based on the positioning of the hot water tank, so, directions schirections, I made a mess of the situation. I'm pretty sure we got high on gas for a bit. I felt woozy, but that could have been anxiety working its way through my veins. The whole situation took an hour, and due to my overall sense of doom, I was sure the house was about to blow for about an hour. Yet I didn't leave it. Make sense of that Freud, I dare you!


So, I read the scene a few times through, to get a sense of it, but I'm tonight the script and I need to be best buddies. 


Egads, I indulged in fake cheese (soy cheese) for the last several days, and my allergies are disgusting. Lesson learned... again. This is the problem with ADHD. I accidentally bought the fake cheese when I bought the ingredients for a bean dip. And I was too lazy to take it back to the store, so I ate it. Seemed logical at the time. And tasty. Tasty logic. Anyway, here I am feeling bloated, mucousy and generally disgusting. But I have a spinach shake at work----- so all will be well shortly. 


Bruce has been surprisingly consistent over the last 2 weeks. I wish the water tank thing hadn't happened, but atleast he's been responsive. He doubts me and I hope he doesn't think I'm just trying to regain his attention or inconvenience him. I thought he might since he's indicated that he thinks I'm making a mountain out of this molehill. Hot water heaters are no joke, and I've heard too many horror stories about floor replacing and giant expenses resulting from these beasts, so I was trying to save my own ass here. I am supposed to return the house as it was when he left it. Not noticing the floor warping would qualify as breaking contract. But if thinking this is some sort of manipulation keeps him warm at night, then that's more of a wall than I can crack with logic. 


Ok, back to the resume thing, I haven't worked on it all, and yet, I have this feeling like some sort of magic carpet or safety net is going to descend from the sky with my name on it, ready to whisk me away to my next life. Magical thinking or intuition? Cainer seems to think it's possible, so why not?

Frog-marching

Monday, January 31, 2011, Aries:
Nobody is actually frog-marching you up the road. Your arms are not tied behind your back. It just seems that way. You are keenly conscious of an obligation that you cannot escape or a task that it seems vital to complete as quickly and as fully as possible. I am not trying to suggest that this is irrelevant, but if you want to do as well as possible, you will approach your situation from a position of trust and relaxation, not a mood of anger or anxiety. Your judgement needs to be clear and sharp this week.
____

You know, sometimes I wish I hadn't framed this blog with horoscopes and had instead left it open. I truly use it as a space for morning pages- a sort of cleaning out of thoughts, a free-form, rambling to clear out the morning fog. Morning pages are an idea from the author of The Artist Way, a program that I have started and abandoned probably 10 times. It's not that I don't like it, rather, I just don't stay interested. In myself. Or the activities I dream up for myself. It's really that simple. Even when I pick it up again, I doubt my commitment to it. And when doubt seeps in...

So, the hot water heater was leaking this weekend, and this caused quite a bit of anxiety because I wasn't sure who should actually take care of the issue. I feel an obligation to contribute to the solution, and yet, when I tell people, they look at me cross-eyed and basically tell me I need to grow a backbone. To quote Corina: I'm too understanding with a person who doesn't deserve it. I realize their anger, but I have been living here rent free for a few months now, and I have received the one-time payout. Anyway, all that anxiety over who should cover repairs may be moot, because Bruce said he came by yesterday, turned the hot water heater back on, and didn't notice any leaks. There is a huge water ring under the tank, but he didn't notice it, so oh well. I'll turn it back on tonight and wait and see, I guess.

I went to take a shower at my parents' house last night because three days without a shower was just more than I could take. I could smell myself, and I'm breaking out. I was hesitant and I drug it out, hoping the ambition to do it at the gym would strike. Sadly, no and then and I remembered that the water pressure there is pretty awful. I craved firehose pressure, something to blast off three days of gook that a washcloth couldn't. It felt great, I felt renewed, and slept like a baby as a result.

I think the lack of hot water also contributed to my rotten mood yesterday. I couldn't take noise. I couldn't take voices, and I couldn't take light. The two beers the night before might have also added to that, as did the lack of sleep. Ok. So- maybe the grime was the light contributor- but still.

I have lots of lines to memorize tonight. Lines, scene arc, scene business, etc. Tonight. You hear that self: tonight. We rehearse Thursday. I'm glad the scenes with the kid are the first rehearsal. I hope I woo her. I hope she likes me, so we don't have to build too much into the scene. I'm more scared of the scenes with the doctor. The doctors they had auditioning weren't menacing enough, and the scene is long a little one-note as it's written. Not terribly so, I just see the decision being made early on, so it goes on a bit longer than necessary.

I've signed up for a tri-atholon. Rather, I've committed to doing it. It's on my birthday, so it feels rather symbolic. Daniela was going to do it with Dan and I, but it costs more than she can spare. I'm sad she can't, because she's willing to help me train, but she said she'll come to cheer us on. She's so sweet, and such a multi-tasker. I don't know how she squeezes everything in. Anyway, my exercise had moved indoors for the winter, but with an outdoor run coming up, I took back to the streets. It feels good. I crave that time outdoors, moving, despite cold or shitty weather. I need it at the end of my day. It's a baby tri- a good starting point, and totally do-able without a helluva of alot of training. I think I'll treat myself to some new sneaks- once this hot water tank thing is resolved.

Ok- so back to Cainer- the man, the inspiration. You're right, Cainer, nobody is frog-marching my up the road. And I do feel rushed, which isn't helping, because I certainly haven't made my moving plans yet. So, yes, trust and relaxation, a good mantra- I think I'll use it.

Incidentally, do frogs march? I need to find out the etymology on that hyphenated verbal action.