Pleasingly close

Aries, Wednesday, 23 February 2011
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How well will things work out? Surprisingly well. How close will you get to the fulfilment of your dearest dream? Pleasingly close. How much do you now need to be worried about? Less than you think. Okay. Any other questions? Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. You make wise choices and then criticise yourself for ages afterwards. Things naturally start to move in the right direction - and you suddenly wonder if you should be heading for some different destination. Question less and accept more today.

__________________________

Well, thank you, Cainer. Thank you thank you. For what its worth, yesterdays forecast fit the day well. I thought it was going to be a big stinking deal when I emailed Bruce to inquire about the moving expenses check. Its demoralizing having to ask. I hate it. And at the same time, it's in the settlement. I think he knows I hate having to ask, and drags it out to see if I will. Regardless, I have it. It's here (still a check from our former account with my name crossed off- classy, right?). It's done. 

The more people ask about LA, the more I begin to freak out. What if I'm not good enough? What if I suddenly hate acting? What if I can't juggle the lifestyle very well? What if I am not able to support myself? The feeling creeps in when people see me taking boxes and want to know what my next steps are. Or when they flat out ask me. Or when I talk to my mother. Or when I wake up. Or when I drink water... you get the idea. 

But I should question less, and accept more today. So I will. Starting with packing. Soooo behind on it. Not that I have a ton to pack. And not that hanging out with Eva wasn't super important last night. I worried that I freaked her out with my meltdown the other night. Oh yeah, I had a meltdown the other night. The final decree arrived in the mail, declaring that Bruce is ABSOLUTELY DIVORCED from me. That's the language used in the decree. Which has a gold emblem on it. A gold fucking emblem representing the statesman proudly standing on the dead tyrant. Or as I assumed it translated: Bruce standing on me. Singlehood standing on marriage. Love dying under the weight of Bruce. Or under the weight of my issues. Or under the weight of his issues and my issues combined. Anyway you look at it- the gold emblem is nasty smack in my face. 

So, I received this decree, somewhat relieved for it all to be over. Then I told my parents about it. They got emotional. Then we had a heated conversation about chesterfield planning. Then my mom probed and prodded and poo-pooed LA. Then I came home and stared at the final decree again. Then I let it wreck me for a night. 

But I woke up the next day feeling a bit better, liked I mourned the loss and was ready to move on. And haven't looked back.

Living on the edge

Aries, Thursday, 17 February 2011
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When I was very small, my pals and I had a playground game. One of us would be appointed 'Wolf'. The rest of us would stand around saying, 'What's the time Mr Wolf?' 'Mr Wolf' would reply '5 o'clock' or '6 o'clock'. So we'd all ask again. Eventually, instead of answering with a specific time, 'Mr Wolf' would say 'Dinner time!' and we'd all have to run away before the wolf caught us to 'eat' us. It's worth remembering now that dangerous situations aren't always immediately dangerous. But if you keep rattling a cage... 

___________

So, this hasn't horoscope hasn't caused any level of panic, whatsoever. Nope, I'm absolutely cool as a cucumber. I mean, what danger do I possibly have in my life? The hot water heater has not been leaking at all. My car's check engine light has not been on for 2 weeks. My dog, Bella, does not lose her mind and weasel out of her harness at the sight of another dog. A stray cat has not been hopping the fence to hang out in our yard, so I do not have to worry about Kee getting into a fight. The threat of fire is not at a critical level in our region due to excessive dryness, and I do not notice excessive dryness in the house. I do not accidentally put my hands near my mouth after being out in public and before washing them. And I toooootally have all my lines memorized for this project. 

No worries. 

Right?

I found out last night that the director's first child is due any day now, and the mother is our make-up artist/ costumer/ PA. They are students at VCU, but emotionally more mature than I think I was at their age. Although, I really don't know their ages. I just assume they are of college age. They look it. So, kudos to them either way. This little project is literally racing a baby, and I still need to memorize lines. I'm such an asshole!

I took off yesterday to memorize lines, but decided cleaning, fixing my heinous closet, shopping for my character's shoes, and visiting with Em for a few hours more necessary. I didn't even exercise. See, readers, this is what ADHD does to your life. It wrecks it. I feel awful about myself now. Which isn't going to help me memorize any quicker!  Which totally makes me feel shakier about my performance (something I already feel intensely shaky about anyway)! So, I feel great about my dad coming to check on the pets and seeing the house. I can find clothes in my overstuffed closet. BUT I AM COMING UNDONE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE MY LINES MEMORIZED!!!!!!!!

Actually, calm down, me. I have the scenes we are doing today memorized. If we need to do the doctor's scenes, they would be tonight anyway, and I'd have time to work on them. (deep breath in and out). 

What's more the other areas are covered: water boiling for moisture; dogs cleared yard for kee; plan in place for bella; vitamin c taken; and the gauges on the car all indicate that it's fine + car could breakdown at anytime anyway, so that's why insurance plan was purchased. 

You know what doing all that stuff did: it re-calibrated me. By the end of the night last night, I felt great about myself, in charge of my life, in charge of performance. And memorizing alone won't do that. I have my scenes for today memorized. And if we want to shoot all of the scenes with the child, I have all of her scenes memorized (which I secretly wish they would do since now I know we are racing a baby). So there. Cage unrattled. 

right?

RIGHT?

How sturdy is that lock?

i should feel guilty, but i don't.

Aries, Wednesday, 16 February 2011
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We all know the story of the boy who cried 'Wolf'. He may have been wrong... but at least he became famous. Nobody is even remotely interested in the tale of the little boy or girl who didn't cry 'Wolf'. If they saw nothing to fear, if they just kept on playing happily, their childhoods went unnoticed. Those who seek drama in their lives soon learn that, if you keep on making enough fuss, sooner or later you'll create something to make a fuss about. Be wary now, of a situation that seems more important than it actually is. 

___

Missed yesterday due to technical issues here at home. I think my router was competing with my wireless on my phone, and the router wanted one last gasp before I turned it off.  Goodbye, extremely overpriced home router.

I want this next chapter to be a financially sound one. I'm tired of scraping by. I must exercise better financial impulse control over the next decade. I wish I knew more about investing and having my money make money. I'm really clueless about that. I've asked my father, but he really hasn't put the info out there. That's the thing about people who understand it, they aren't willing to share their knowledge. So the poor stay poor and the rich stay rich. 

Speaking of poor and rich, today Bruce is supposed to drop off $1k toward moving. I'm genuinely using it to move.  But that's because I spent way too much money on clothes and a pet behaviorist (but there's no price on the confidence she gave me, so... i wouldn't say I overspent.). Although, I wouldn't have to pay a pet behaviorist, if he hadn't left. So there. 

I'm playing hooky from work, again. I felt so cramped and overwhelmed and angry yesterday. I am thankful for my job, and sometimes I hit the mental and emotional place where I can't take it anymore. I was giving way too much attention to the tension created around Cheryl and her managerial tactics. And given that my weekend is going to be busy, chocked full of something I WANT to excel at, I thought it only best to give myself a mental and emotional break, clean the slate, so to speak. 

I should feel guilty about not going into work, but I don't. I did yesterday. I totally fretted over it, even though I had pretty much made up my mind and prepared the library accordingly. Here's what I'm tired of at work- bitchy older women. The program specialists are fine. Erik has mood swings, but his resilience is quick and funny. Cheryl and Ann, however, are just plain bitchy. Ann refuses to just accept that the library is not meant to be learned overnight, but common sense is the first step to understanding consumer requests. Cheryl just refuses to create a healthy atmosphere, understand her limitations and not spread her jealousy on others. I'm too smart for their bullshit, and it makes me tired. 

And thanks to Cainer, that's all I'll say about that. 

Emily and Duane talked last night. Emily wants to try to work through things. She says she misses him. I think her medication has re-calibrated her brain, and she realized that what she left is far more valuable and interesting and comfortable than what she has now. It's just a gut feeling, but I think she's sinking back into the familiar, because atleast it's familiar and unites her family. I hope Duane understands her needs and takes charge of his family for awhile. It's his turn. 

But then, that's asking a lot of Duane, who is stuck in a den of self pity right now. I know that den. I visited it for a few months there. It's dark, has old, musty shag carpeting, wood laminate walls, a single lightbulb to see by, some dude I don't know or care to know smoking weed in the corner, a gimp delivering tissues and wine. And I'm pretty sure everyone there is listening to a different soundtrack. Day and night merge into one, and the outside world seems like a cold, cruel place. I don't know exactly when I left, and I'm pretty sure I went back, but my time there has turned into a muddy memory. 

I'm nervous about filming this weekend. I want to do a really good job. I want this to mark a change in my work ethic, my approach, my energy to work. I want to be in charge of my performance, confident, calm, detailed, inspired. I am going to lunch with Em, just checking in and then the rest of the day and evening is dedicated to the scripts at hand, a wee bit of research on the styles of filming, and meditation. I can't run wildhaired into another project, unsure of what's happening and feeling insecure about my performance. It's just not worth it. 

Celibacy and marriage and flowers and other things I want from boys I don't like

Aries, Monday, 14 February 2011
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'The best portion of a good man's life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.' So said your fellow Aries, the poet William Wordsworth. I'm sure he meant a 'good woman' too... though back in his day, our clumsy language was even more clumsy. Make allowance, today, for language that could be easily misconstrued. Remember, too, that a few gentle gestures, reflecting true sincerity, are worth far more than a thousand dramatic and somewhat artificial expressions. 

___

Ahhh, sweet. Yes, I will remember this. Yesterday, I talked with Em. She misses Duane. I can't tell if she is just falling back into the marriage because it's the easiest route out of her current situation, or if she genuinely misses him. Either way, it's her life, but I hope Duane takes advantage of this and truly learns to value her. Before we hung up I told her she's a really good person. 

Yesterday, I met with the dog whisperer again. She gave me lots of good tips, like walking the dogs around the new neighborhood before even going inside our new apartment; or having them stay with me as I unpack each room; or taking one dog at a time to the dog park/ dog beach for more manageability. She said to circle the same block to or three times instead of covering a wide swath of  land initially, that getting them used to a block at a time is far easier. 

And then we discussed the idea of just taking Olive and Bella. I asked her what she thought the separation would do to the dogs, and she said she thought they would get over it easily. She said Olive is truly into having my attention, and Bella is truly into the attention of whoever is closest- person or dog or cat. Suddenly my world lightened up. It's not that I don't love her, I love her in crazy amounts, but just taking one dog and one cat is infinitely easier. My parents' dog loves her, too, and she loves living at my parents. I know it would take some convincing, but I think it's worth a shot. 

This morning I wondered if anyone would sent me flowers today: an absolutely crazy thought, I know!! And the thought that followed was about celibacy. My hormones are raging right now, and I know I shouldn't make any hasty decisions. I don't need any ties. I imagined a few guys that have passed through asking me on dates. All are great, but I'm not interested in anything long term with them. I even thought of Sallah- ha! I'm sure he's chomping at the bit to see me again! For the life of me, I can't figure out why that crept back up, because he really didn't do much to woo me. 

I know this is all just a bit of loneliness creeping in, like a last flail as I make the commitment. I do think I need to be celibate for awhile. I let sex kick off my last relationship and look where it ended up. I read that most people think we shouldn't have sex on the first date. I take it most people aren't walking out of a divorce. Regardless, I assume most people understand the art of the chase better I do. Moreso, it must be a successful strategy for them or else they wouldn't advocate it, right? But what if I don't want to be in a relationship, and I just want a little nookie here and there? Nope, nope, nope. Nookie becomes emotional and emotional will get in the way. In due time, self, in due time. 

So, the film has been set. Although, nobody contacted me. Filming is this Thursday- Sunday, and the role of the doctor in the Donors has been cast. It's Brian Wimer. Trying not to feel nervous about that. He's supposedly really good, and anyway, he's a director, so I'd like to impress. I'm diving in today, and living in the donors for a week. It's time to work- Hallelu!

making eyes with a cute waiter

Aries, Sunday, 13 February 2011
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Your Week Ahead - Love Focus: Pressure eases. Tension diminishes. Urgency reduces. Arguments subside. The tide of trouble ebbs further from your psychological shoreline. I'm suggesting that you are about to find yourself in a perfect situation. There will still be plenty that needs to be put right. You will feel, though, more able to take your time with it and less worried about what will happen if you are not successful. All this will contribute to an air of greater confidence, which in turn will add to your charm and magnetism. Find the right way to ask for what you need and people will find it very difficult to refuse your request.

________

Ok. I'll take this.  

Actually, I think I'm already feeling this sense of calm confidence, because I approached last night with a lot less anxiety than I normally would. So, yesterday I bowled with my friend Katherine. Her father was active and devoted member of the Chester Rotary and they throw an annual fundraiser in his honor. I mingled, I chatted, I played, all quite gleefully. When people asked what I was up to, I just talked about my job, acting work, or family. I didn't bring up Bruce, but- an here's the clencher- I didn't feel tense about NOT bringing up Bruce. 

Katherine and I had made plans to hang out after the tournament, but instead we latched onto Shelly and Mandy's evening, and decided to join them for dinner. Now, I know Mandy knows Kelly (Lisa's sister) well. Not sure how well, just well. So, I thought, this could be weird or tense should Shelly or Katherine bring up the pending divorce. Although, Katherine doesn't really know too much, just the basics, and she's not one to purposefully bring up tense topics. We made plans to go to Rockett's Landing with Shelly and immediately I got into my car and envisioned a few ways to get out of the plans. After all, it's Valentine's weekend, and that's a popular destination for couples--one that Lisa, Lee, Bruce and I visited a few times- so there was a likelihood we would run into a member of that crew. 

Also- and here's the clencher- I instantly felt like a member of the lonely hearts club. Mandy and Shelly are sort of lifetime singlers, and I think they are defiantly so. They often hang out with Katherine's mom, church members, and do lots of community oriented type events that don't involve couples. I honestly have no idea what their personal lives are like, I've just seen them through Katherine. So, here we are, four girls on Valentine's weekend, going to a romantic restaurant. Egads. As I drove away from the bowling alley, I began to think of a million potential excuses for getting out of these plans.

But the way deceit has wrecked my life, I hate lying. I hate it, even small white lies that could potentially ease the mind of the other people involved (I'm not sure Shelly was excited to spend her birthday with me, since she doesn't know me very well.) What's more, it's not like I have any actual plans, I don't know when I'll get to hang out with Katherine again, and who knows- it could be fun. So, I took a deep breath, committed myself to looking fabulous (just in case there were any single men present:) or we did see a member of the crew), and let go of the anxiety. 

(Although, I decided that if Bruce and Lisa were there, or Kelly was supposed to join Mandy (my God, this town is small), I would politely excuse myself, tell Katherine why I needed to leave, and supply her with a good excuse for my departure. After all, it is Shelly's birthday, and she doesn't need to witness that sort of interaction. I wasn't anxious about this, I actually felt good having a Plan B in this instance. )

And I realized, what's a meal out with some people I don't know other than a chance to get to know more people? This could be fun, why not just shut up my brain and go. 

At the end of the night, I was glad I went. I got an opportunity to look nice, made a good contact in Mandy (she seems to do everything and know everyone in town), and made eyes with a cute (albeit so young) waiter. I still felt like a member of the lonely hearts club, but after looking around the restaurant, I didn't feel the urge to dine romantically with anyone, took. I sort of liked not having to do that, actually. Bonus: this night gave me a way to gauge where I'm at in my healing process and feel ok about it. Readers, I think I felt confident. I think that was confidence. 

When I got home, I did replay a little bit of dialogue here and there, and I hope I wasn't too dominant in conversation or steered the conversation to more serious topics too much. I have a hard time keeping things light with Katherine, since I think of her more like a dear, amazing member of my family. We talk seriously a lot, which isn't a bad thing, but on someone's birthday, it can be a bit of a drag. But for the first time in a while, I realized, this is my city too. I scoped the restaurant, sure, before we went inside, but I didn't sweat it. Big difference in being mindful and being on alert. 

And anyway, scoping gave me more of an opportunity to make eyes with cute  (albeit, very young) waiter. 

Let's bring on the sparkle

Friday, February 11, 2011
There are tales about alien abduction involving spaceships that land, round up individuals for scientific experiment and then deposit them back on Earth. Following on from what we were saying yesterday, we can't really categorise those beings from another world as remote and stand-offish. Or can we? Perhaps they are taking those samples so that they can find out why the human race is so stupid, and then develop an antidote for this. Daft humans and aliens apart, you may yet have a weekend that is out of this world. 


Saturday, February 12, 2011- Week Ahead
How very odd the world is. There are surpluses in some places, shortages in others and I am not merely referring here, to matters of money, food or climate. Half the planet is deeply religious, the other half wildly irreverent. Half are apparently happy to be governed by an autocracy, the other half demand democracy. And often it seems that half of us are bored witless while the other half are scared. Now look at your own life. What have you got far too much of? What do you sorely lack? Surely a trade-off can occur? Of course it can. And this week, a very good swap can yet be made. 


______________________________________


So, the whole sublet plan fell through in one fell swoop yesterday. And I'm not sad about it at all, actually. It never truly made sense to me. I just didn't want to inconvenience my parents terribly. Basically all three places have breed restrictions, so the dogs couldn't come with. That's a deal breaker. We're a pack now, a slightly disfunctional pack, and I'm pretty sure they will eat me if I die. I hope my parents aren't freaking out terribly. They seem to be taking it well. And I know it's fate because instantly the whole Smartbox deal came through (I had been playing phone tag with them, and didn't have a clear concept how they wanted to work). What's more, Erik and Tom are available to help move, my mom came into a wee jackbot of boxes, and LA felt soo much closer. 


It felt so much closer. 


I told my parents I would do my best to keep it two months. It would be heavenly to move in May: good time of year, time for changes, spring's busting through. That way I get to move in before LA's hot summer settles in. Course, I'm talking like I'll have a job. A good job!


Yesterday, I opened a fortune cookie and it said to remember today three months from now. I can't tell if that's foreboding or not, but I read it and felt hopeful. So, let's just say it's positive. May 11, 2011: moving date? Actually, I just read it again: I know I read it and felt positive! It said Remember this date three months from now. Good things are in store for you." 


I felt awful for the three potential subletters. All three are anxious to make major moves. All three are in their early 20s and desire a different life, a different location, etc. One was obviously studying at VCU and decided to transfer back to Northern VA to pursue a different degree. One is an artist and musician, who obviously dislikes Richmond and feels desperate to get back to her beloved Austin, TX. One, a fashion lover (I felt a deep kinship with her quickly), who realized she wasn't going to graduate this year, and decided to pursue a relationship instead. I wanted to help all three, but I don't know anyone making a temporary move. I remember that desperation well in my 20s, the impatience, the fire. I used it to leave graduate school and run off to Chicago in a series of hastily made decisions, that I totally don't regret anymore. When I first moved back to Richmond, I had to face those decisions, but now, pssshaw, I'm done with regret of that sort.  Anyway, they reminded me of me, and for that reason, I felt even better about this decision to stay with my parents for a couple of months. 


That's just it: I shouldn't be saying "move back in", rather stay with them for a couple of months. Because my stuff will be in storage, ready to go. I just need some time to gather a few more $$ and potentially change cars, and prepare the animals, and search for a job, and an apartment, get headshots, tighten up my abs: you know, be completely mentally and physically ready to bring on the "new fabulous life" as Nancy likes to call it. 


And I will have tight abs, dammit. 


As for my week ahead, and weekend ahead, actually, I have lots to do and unfortunately, I'm not sure how much time I'll have to visit Granny or Em. I need to:


-memorize the remainder of donors (although waiting to hear back from Anne Chapman)
-run and weight train
-take the dogs on two big walks
-begin packing, planning what to take with and what to store
-meet with Jen, the dog whisperer
-Bowl for charity as a key member of Team Sparkle (and no, this is not a Twilight reference)


I hope I can get the memorization done, so then I can at least visit  with Em and Gran after work one day this week. C'mon weekend!

aliens

Aries, Wednesday, 9 February 2011 
Out in distant space, are there really planets where intelligent life- forms dwell? Perhaps. But, before we set about trying to prove this, we might be better off tracking down intelligent life on Earth. There is certainly not as much of it as there ought to be. You are now dealing with a silly situation. How has it come about? What lies behind it? What must be done to set it right? For the answers to these and other pressing questions, in your world now, you don't need rocket science, you just need just common sense. 


Aries, Thursday 10 February 2011
If aliens really do visit the Earth, how come so few of us ever meet them? Some say it is because they disguise themselves. But why would our visitors do that? Do they harbour secret, evil designs upon us Earthlings? Or do they, perhaps, just find us a trifle embarrassing? To them, we may seem gauche, gawky, arrogant and ignorant. When they are obliged to come to our world, they would rather not talk to us. You feel now as if you have come from a different planet, to a certain someone else. Try to humour them if you can. 


__


I'v been thinking about approaching this in a different way. Instead of looking at yesterday's horoscope, looking at today's. I had thought proving it right or wrong would be an excellent focus, a sort of cosmic gauge for my own actions and thoughts vs. what the universe may be telling me. And I still think of it in that way, I just really don't feel like proving it right or wrong. I mean, most of the time, I'm just rambling on to clear my head from the morning dust anyway. What's more, I feel like I'm challenging the stars to provide for me, and I don't want to do that. I would rather just use it as a jumping off point and move on- a metaphor for how I've long approached reading horoscopes. Sure, sometimes a sentence or two will sit with me for a while, but rarely do I remember my horoscope as I'm working or running or walking the dogs. 


So, let's play catch up. Yesterday's horoscope and today's are quite similar, so it seems like a good time to do so. 


Since Mom and Dad approached the idea of a sublet, I've jumped in full throttle. Only, there are just a wee few sublets at which to look. One is $600 per month, has lots of amenities, amazing security, but no windows and I would have to walk my dogs in a pretty industrial (i.e. scary @ night) part of town. The other is $715, has windows and a wee back balcony, but is on the 3rd floor (making moving hard) and doesn't have the luxuries of the first. It feels like an old boarding house converted to apartments. In both cases, I have to walk my dogs down a long hallway, potentially past other people and other dogs to get to the front door. Not ideal, since these guys are still learning to watch me (meaning, they don't yet). 


I ran the two options past my mom last night and she got really dramatic. She doesn't consider either an option, but bemoaned the close quarters of her own home and having too many animals in one space. She started asking me again about giving them up. I said it wasn't an option at this point: I love them and I don't know of a good enough situation and person that I trust enough to give my animals. She kept talking about my heavy burden, what a heavy burden they are, etc. etc. And how I shouldn't walk them at night, etc. etc. And how unsafe my neighborhood is, etc. etc. And how I'll never be able to do anything with this kind of burden, etc. etc. 


And it pissed me off. 


So, I lashed back at her, and boom- we were back to teenage/ college years relationship. Wherein, she continually bemoans my choices, I take it until I lash back, and then she turns it back on me to with something akin to: "Well, I'm sorry to frustrate you, but I was just trying to express my sympathy for your plight." or "I wasn't saying what you think I was, I was just trying to help you." 


Yes, sometimes she is an alien to me. And I'm sure vice versa. But if ever there was an indicator why I shouldn't move in with her, it was in that phone conversation. 


Honestly, I wish I could just go. I wish I could just pick up and go to LA right now. Unfortunately, I need to save a few more $$ and I need to do the whole car switch, and give work proper notice. And I'm just not ready yet. There I said it. I'm just not ready yet. I need a few more months. To gather, to assemble, to plan and plot and visit. To make sure that spousal support is coming. It's the responsible thing to do. 


I have one more option potentially on the table. But it's being guarded by a woman who doesn't communicate effectively over email. And hasn't yet provided her phone # or address. Sort of frustrating. Fingers crossed she does so today. Otherwise it's the old boarding house, and learning how to listen and sneak past other doors with two dogs. 


Should be a good learning experience, right?